another day another essay posting
this came early suggesting she may be seeking to more firmly
secure in her argument for leaving but also hinting of return to her early
morning rising, full of possible inner turmoil
she is caught in a double bind. no matter what she does or
says, she comes out wrong
she is the ultimate
example of conforming non-conformist in that she has absorbed all the rules for
obtaining success and then breaks them when they do not pan out in a timely
fashion
almost everything she writes is like a college essay most of
what she talks about comes from the same other person teacher or philosophy she
has adopted for a day or a year in her desperate attempt to find herself in her
place in the world
she once claimed she knew the game going in even when she
was skeptical and now she seems to be stuck in it
and it somehow undermines all she has gained through what
she has done trickling up and such it is still impossible to tell how conscious
she is of our own games
is she the spider weaving the web that the congressman's pr
person thinks she is or the the innocent she claims in her writing
that chameleon that changes color to suit the man or woman
who is embracing her today and get so caught up in that role she forgets who
she really is
I suspect she is not the spider but she is not innocent
either as she makes herself how to be
her lack of success
suggests that she hasn't had and over generous helping of the second
her essay on being the tool of others is accurate. she
shapes herself to other people's needs and then loses herself in the process
While I'm still not certain about her status in the town she
fled, she has provided several clues to suggest truth to her being fired and
that she assumed she had more value than she had and in testing this proof she
had little or no power at all
in other words, in each incarnation from teacher to singer
to barmaid, manager to reporter she actually believes she is important and she
pretends to be that old concept of dressing the part you eventually become the
part you play
only when someone pulls off the mask off, she can't quite
reach the status that she needs to be her ego shatters
in one essay she claimed she has no income; in another she
said she needs to end her session at the clinic before the insurance runs out
at the end of the March, suggesting that her insurance coverage lasted until
the end of the renewal. and with her lack of employment the cost of the clinic
would fall on someone else's shoulders
this again leads to the question as to whom her last posted
poem was written to, someone close someone with whom she had disputes in the
past. someone who she was relied on, someone who now sees her for what they
think she is at least in one aspect but not how she sees herself
the pushback from the posting 2 days ago was not over her
psychological state so much as over her criticism of the diet offered at the
clinic.
she posted something
more provocative this morning but I'll get to that later which may also have to
do with the photo of her and a female friend she posted on Facebook and several
other places and then removed also suggesting turmoil
Afer her criticism of the clinic's food, she appears to be
doing damage control perhaps fearing to incur the wrath of management who may
or may not have power to pronounce her as cured
her posting on March 22nd was a letter in response to an
incomplete she received as a grade for some aspect of the program which means
her manager thinks she violated some rule
while she appreciated the person's concerned there her blog
was meant to show the process of handling the menu and help healthy way as she’s
be confronted with food issues or whole life and will still have to feed
herself later and begin social interaction over food restrictions in order to
welcome a more sustained and human conversation and support the system in her
life going forward
her argument sounds reasonable and most likely designed to impressed
her handlers by using the kind of language they would use. it seems a little manipulative to people not
involved in the scene
she points out that how people eat at the clinic is not how
they eat in the real world
at this point she compliments the freshness of the food at
the clinic and how much better it is than other clinics which she compares to
airplane food, raising a question of whether she has personal knowledge of
other places are simply heard this by word of mouth and how it meets or exceeds
all federal guidelines
she tells them that she intends to return to her whole food
regimen that she had before coming to the clinic and came to the clinic to
challenge her inflexibility because she has eating disorder and without these
challenges she would not be able to feed herself
she makes some argument about excluding this food or that
but questions the rigidity of the rules is used to take nearly every week and
moment of her day
this not only suggests that she had been called to task on
how foolish her juicing diet seems to some people (when in fact as the head of
Gilda’s Club told me, the juicing system has worked to cure cancer, despite
public sentiment otherwise).
This letter provides a glimpse of her psyche,
In truth, she
actually does fall for this stuff not just this diet but the schemes and dreams.
she becomes a true believer. this also suggests that some of the rhetoric of
self she expressed in the previous essay may have come out of therapy and she
is repeating what she is thinking management wants to hear.
She says that even when she appears to be functional, she's
really good at hiding it
then in a more direct response to some feedback someone gave
her she says she appreciates their concern and she is comfortable with the
program
the letter appears to be to someone outside the program who
apparently has read her blog and raise concerns about effective the program is
based on her reservations some upon who support she depends
she also said that if this person she is writing the letter
to wants more information she or she can contact the nutritionist that she has
been dealing with and suggest that this person should not judge the program
before he or she knows all the ins and outs of it
and perhaps her recovery depends on the judgment these
people come up with and she says that her struggles with certain foods is part
of her growth
there is something of an exaggeration in all of this but
that if they heard what goes on in her head about all foods, they would realize
there would be nothing for herto eat
again she goes on to say how she appreciates their concern
and that she is on board with her nutritionist and trust the nutritionist
implicitly and that she is able to stand up for those theories which still meet
her needs
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