yesterday's essay made me think of a quote from the classic
cartoon film “who framed Roger rabbit” in which the sense that tell is quoted
saying “I'm not a bad girl I'm just drawn that way.”
Her essay from which yesterday's journal was drawn made me think more about it
she is telling us that she's fundamentally a good girl but
influenced by bad people that surround her
the basic concept is that she is so empathic that she
becomes what other people need her to be and in the process she loses herself
we -- all of us, the
entire group from perhaps the beginning of time -- have always imposed our
needs on her, shaping her into what we need relative what she is
this is a stunning concept and one that as I look back at
all of the essays and all the poems of everything she has done since I've known
her seems the most accurate
so while I may not have needed her as a cub reporter our
former temporary boss desperately needed her to be that
I am not sure what I shaped her into yet but looking back at
others I see that her former stalkers also painted her in their own vision of
what they needed
and then she wound up in the midst of very dark and
dangerous people and they shaped her into things that are almost unbelievably
painful
I remember her telling me that she never cheated on her
husband and yet I kept getting the feeling that he also painted her into
something that he needed her to be so he could cheat on her. (I still don’t
believe she could have resisted the attention she got during five years touring
with the band, but that’s an aside.)
change of priorities came before her marriage to him but it
fits into this too, the idea that she is like clay and can be molded into any
shape that other people desire her to be
as a result she loses herself, doesn't know who she is, and
ultimately winds up being what they need her to be and can't find herself again
in the mix
I'm not sure if she can turn off that part of herself that
makes her empathetic and attracts these kinds of people, who are needy and want
to use her for the purposes -- this of
course includes me
is there a light switch inside of her that she can switch
off and on because part of her charm part of what makes her special is the fact
that she is empathy and is down deep a kind human being
looking back at the number of my poems written during the
summer of 2012 they were moments when she was defiant but then became merciful
and that was apparently the real her and at times I got the feeling that her
poetry was revealing bits of her real self to those of us who were savvy enough
to be able to translate or decode her words and that she risked too much by
openly saying who she is or her real feelings
this of course maybe
just imposing too much on her poetry but I like to believe it's true
what happens now going forward how does she change that how
does she step out into the world again as her real self after being in so many
stolen shells like a hermit crab
how does she avoid having other people do to her what
everybody has been doing to her all alone making her into a column shaping her
into their own desires and wishes
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