It is difficult to explain just how this tiny world we live
in here changes when she is not part of it.
Even if she views me as an advidsary, there was a certain continuity
in knowing she still played a role in our lives here.
Now, it’s impossible to know what transpires behind the
scenes, although I suspect, some of the hits on my site may still be coming
from her, even though she has temporarily relocated to another state.
There is some comfort in knowing approximately where she is
at any given moment, a bit perverse, the way you might feel knowing the exact
location of an asteroid that is predicted to impact the earth. Yes, it is a
disaster, yet knowing where it is and when it will strike is better than not
knowing anything.
Whomever is hitting on my site is likely doing so to check
on me. But I can’t imagine with all that she is going through right now, all
those angels hovering over her, she would bother we me. I’m most likely the furthest
thing from her mind.
They (who ever they are) probably still think I’m
responsible for what GA, the Hometown blogger posts, when I am not. I am aware
of what GA posts, but I do not contribute to it.
I suppose I should take this as a complement, yet it
endangers me unnecessarily.
Our poet has not posted anything on her poetry blog in two
weeks or made any comments on her YouTube channel. She also hasn’t updated her
Facebook photo in more than a week.
It is impossible to say what her current mood is or if she’s
embarked on any new ventures – if that is even possible considering where she
is.
She may be silent because of what she is going through or
someone may have told her to be quiet --
or as in that old poem of hers, she chooses to stay quiet while behind her the
wolves try to take everything she had to claw her way to obtain.
This idea of “clawing” suggests a very hard core kind of
life, if not ruthless, then certainly pushing aside moral standards – which might
define her use of wanton in another poem.
Her poems seem to be a confessional in which she is revealing
the life she has led, but only for those who are savvy enough to pick up on
what she is saying. Her silence suggests she might finally be coming to a point
where she wants this one-way conversation (with me and others) to end.
She may be silent because she in a crisis and cannot raise
enough energy to be creative, accepting or not accepting her fate.
I have to be careful not to provoke her.
Her silence also indicates turmoil, and perhaps she is
enraged over lost opportunities. At the same time, she does not seem to have
been able to adjust to the political quagmire she ended up in, and could not
keep all the balls in the air at the same time, and under estimated the
ruthlessness of the people she associated with, and how they would discard her
once they used her for their own purposes.
She led herself to believe she was more important than she
really was, while others only needed her until she could no longer give them what
they wanted (influence on our office or ability to help them bring down the
small man or the director of the housing authority). RR seems to have used her
while at our office for a number of purposes, to get his friend named as the
county prosecutor, to get his career back as a cop, and ultimately to get even
with the Congressman for imagined slights.
Being fired would have been a huge blow to her ego.
This is somewhat of an unfair assessment. I don’t know
exactly what she has done in her life that she might feel shame over, perhaps
there is truth in that poem about the old lady and date books with more than
laundry lists. But in the past, she did whatever she did for herself, not as a
contracted professional. Once put in the position of a political hitman, she
had to prove her worth or leave, and in the end, the changing loyalties typical
of the political realm put her in a distinct disadvantage. She made enemies of
the Small man, the congressman and others (most likely on behalf of RR) and
when the pollical landscape changed and they were back on the side of the
Virgin Mayor, she became a liability. They (again whomever they are) gave her a
job as PR person, then didn’t let her do it, while those things she sent to us
got buried by our female boss (a fact I found out by accident when I inquired
about why none of the poet’s photos were making our publications, and got told
the boss would not publish them).
At this moment, our poet seems to have come full circle,
ending up back where she was in early 2011 when she needed to jump ship from
her restaurant job, perhaps her grandmother is wise in helping our poet get the
help she needs, grounding her for a time so that she can realign her priorities.
While it is best for her, there is some great sadness in not having her on the
scene.
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