It is impossible to know what exactly tempted her as
referred to in the poem I wrote about yesterday.
But she clearly wants it, has wanted it her whole life, and
yet, dangling before her, it appears to come with strings attached.
Perhaps a betrayal.
She clearly is stuck someplace despite all that she has done
to win success, dreaming of this thing, screaming for it.
And yet something is stopping her from getting it.
“There lies the shit of it,” she writes.
And then the tossing and turning, the telling herself she
shouldn’t, and yet, pleading with God as to why not, besides all the good
reasons she shouldn’t.
But in going back and forth, she tells herself life is short
and such opportunities may only come once in a life time, and still she struggles,
and denies herself.
Why?
This is a person who had trickled up all her life. So, it
becomes a mystery as to why she won’t take what she wants in this instance, a
mystery as to what is holding her back, besides herself.
There is no way to tell from the text what exactly she sees
as the prize.
A sudden opportunity that popped up in the midst of troubling
times. The other three poems in this sequence talk about despair and failure,
even surrender, and while there are aspects of her struggle in this poem, there
is something else, as if she is faced with forbidden fruit which she wants, but
for some reason is reluctant to reach for it.
As pointed out yesterday, the poem suggest consequences. She
can grab this thing, but not without cost.
This is not really about right or wrong (as I speculated it
might be yesterday). She has clearly moved beyond those concepts as poems from
last spring point out. Whatever is holding her back must be something very potent,
beyond good and evil, right or wrong.
You can almost picture her as a little girl reaching for
candy she wants but knows she shouldn’t have, reaching out, then withdrawing
her fingers, as she think and rethinks the dilemma.
Two of the poems posted after this one resume the surrender
and survival mode, so, it might be safe to assume that she did not obtain
whatever this is she wanted.
Dare I, I thought then, seated in her car in that not so
remote place where she was to let me off, lingering on the edge of the seat,
waiting to leave, not wanting to, daring myself to take a step I know I
shouldn’t,
Dare I?
Fingers aching as much as the rest of me, as I wondered how
it might feel if I did, if I touched it, embraced it, stroked it until the tips
grew as hard as I already was.
Dare I?
Like learning to ride a bicycle, it comes back even with the
lack of practice.
Dare I do what I ache to do? Will she let me, and how much
would be too much if I did, shocked when I did and she shuddered, revolted
maybe.
I stumbled out into the dark scared she would have me for
it.
I touched briefly on the second of four poems she posted this
week, all four suggesting serious personal issues, almost apocalyptic, and dealing
with her need to survive.
Where as the first of the four poems basically says she is
weary and has a right to give up, even in this affects others she works with,
her hands bleeding from shifting the pile of stones that is near to burying
her. But she still sees herself as part of some noble cause.
The second poem in this series suggests that her big plans
for the future have once again gone array. She seems to be stuck where she is.
The poem uses a second person point of view “you” as if she
is speaking to herself, pumping herself up not to surrender even though “with
all the fight you had, you’re stuck here,” dreaming of success, “all your soul
and mind and heart” “screaming for it,” and yet she can’t get it,
“And there lies the shit of it,” as she tosses and turns in
her usual morning panic ritual.
The poem suggests an ugly solution which she is trying to
avoid, possibly reverting to those visits in the past to her roof top, and she is
trying to talk herself out of it.
Although the title suggests that she is tempted by something
she really wants, but seeking it might be wrong, and she is desperate to
convince herself not to overstep and try to get it, even though whatever it is
something she really, really wants.
It is difficult to know whether this is a social issue – a romance
she wants, or a career path. But it is an opportunity that may only come once
in a life time.
“Dear lord, give me one good reason not to, aside from the
thousands of reason you know you shouldn’t.”
But she comes to the point of questioning should she or not.
“Life is short and epic,” she tells herself. “Things like
this simply don’t come once in a short while or even a long one.”
In this passage, she hints of an opportunity, something she wants,
but can’t have, something that comes around rarely in any life, but she can’t
reach, or more likely something she should not seek, somehow ethically or morally
wrong to pursue, yet there is the impression she just can’t pass it up.
She clearly knows it is wrong, but can’t resist, and the
poem is a struggle to talk herself out of doing it, even though she clearly
wants to, perhaps suspecting how stagnant her life will remain if she passes it
up.
Just what this is, she doesn’t say. But it comes at a time
in her life when almost everything else has turned to shit and she sees this as
some kind of answer, a golden opportunity, and she is clearly conflicted.
This poem flies in the face of previous assumptions about
her being a heartless opportunist. She clearly has a conscience which she must
overcome if she is to get this, telling herself to pursue it is wrong, while at
the same time arguing she needs to go after it or remain in this odd limbo.
There is no external evidence to suggest what this thing is.
Or is it a person?
It comes too late in the cycle of her romance from earlier
this year, since she clearly voided her conscience when it came to being with a
married man.
Whatever this current situation is, it is so compelling as
to push her into a moral conflict with herself, beyond the usual trickling up.
There are consequences involved in this that may not have existed in the past,
and this struggle may involve what other people might think if she makes the
move.
In the argument, she clearly wants to do it, even though
there are thousands of reasons not to.
