I was wrong about the photo. it's still there on her site just located in
her archive
so anything about her
Yanking it down the way she clearly did the two poems last year was mistaken
she may still blame me for being the root cause of her mess
but not I think for the last batch of disasters
she got fired because she pushed her luck and went into a
crash that brought her back to her eating disorder she seems to blame her and
eating disorder for her other problems when it appears that eating disorder is
simply manifestation of other more serious unresolved problems in our life
each time something else goes wrong she has an eating
disorder relapse.
the failed schemes
for success, the ruined romances, the rest lead inevitably back to this concept
of self-destruction made most obvious by her binging
the ego issues are just too complex to make out except to
say that she thinks so little of herself that she needs to cheat to find some
level of power, putting on mask that she unfortunately eventually believes in
herself, a self delusion that comes unraveled each time the mask slips and she
finds that she is the same person she always was, and all that she thought she
gained turns out to be an illusion, up and smoke, her internal voices of eating
reform and eating disorder seem to reflect other battles going on inside her, a
real mental turmoil with real conversations and conflicts
the ripping off of her mask by her mother father grandmother
or whoever that poem was written to comes at the worst possible time since she
has already used up all her reserve strength and has taken refuge in a clinic
she hopes can cure her
but it is the wrong cure of or the right cure for the wrong
problem and so she feels trapped and seeks escape
this is as bad or worse than hell, as trappedas she must have felt back in the early
2011 when she saw her hopes and dreams at the restaurant going up and smoke and
fled to Europe where she could reinvent herself
this trip South now did not bring the expected relief and
she fled one bad situation for another even worse and she is trapped in a place
where she thinks other people do not like her and has been rejected by someone
she hoped could help save her
so what is left for
her to do to flee again to some other place but where and will she ever feel
safe again
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