Our poet’s post is one the most enlightening pieces she’s
posted to date,
Not as stark at her trickle up poem or as convoluted as her
change of priorities poem, the essay revealed a huge amount of information
about her and her motivations, and perhaps is the most honest piece of writing she
has yet to reveal.
Essentially, she repeats some of the themes about her living
borrowed lives, and that most people do not know the real her, but takes this
theme much further to say that in some ways, those who think they know here are
largely seeing a reflection of themselves and their needs, and that part of her
problem over most of her life, is that her real self gets lost in the process.
She believes she is a good person, who has been influenced
by bad people around her.
She is scheduled to leave on March 31st for her home, rested
and ready to resume her ambitious agenda to achieve greatness – if she can
finally untangle herself from those who want her to be something else.
She seems to have gotten blowback from the staff of the
clinic and posted another essay in defense of her position, first declaration
of new Independence
she said she texted her friend claiming her boobs has
returned and she didn't like it. She also said going to the clinic was her therapist’s
idea not her own.
in group or therapy she said she talked about how she needed
to look at why she is constantly influenced by others negative behavior or swayed
and how she has to speak up and distance herself
this may explain her tendency to pick losers to use when she
is trying to trickle up
she said she talked about how she sees herself through other
people's eyes and not her own and how she has begun to trust her own insight
this has merit because she tends to be chameleon like, an
adapter self to the needs and wishes of those she is trying to manipulate, it
is difficult to tell if this is because she is in total control or totally out
of control
she says she is annoyed but what she called others
disordered judgments and questioned by loved ones in her life who project their
own hot button issues on to her
the phrasing suggests this happened recently while she was
at the clinic and talks about disagreements with her group members and family
members outside who may be something of the subject of the poem she recently
posted.
in this essay she is reading things in tattoos and other
inanimate elements to suggest she is about to undergo significant change
she met with the outpatient director to talk about aftercare
and treatment when she leaves
the director and her therapist apparently were upset by the
fact that she had booked a plane ticket without setting up aftercare first and
insisted she call someone in New York City to see what their schedule for
hourly two week appointments
she seemed to dismiss this concern but agreed and got the
appointment set. she found the red tape
annoying and then took note of something the Virgin mayor had said in a story
published last week “it is what it is” which I hope is just a coincidence
she meanwhile claimed she is ready to move on from the
residential Care on March 27th and apparently made this point clear over and
over to the other people and his clue to just who actually paid for the trip at
least in part as the reason behind why she had to finish up in March
she said she is concerned about being a burden of allowing
someone to shoulder the extraordinary cost of each second of treatment there
she said she's beginning to trust in the nearly psychic
intuition perception of her surroundings and those in them and has come to
realize that she spent most of her life living according to that intuition
perception of who she is without self perception of her own
she said she has absorbed and essentially seen as fact about
herself and the not so savory things people have put on her, she is also
especially susceptible to mistreatment and because she is empathetic with
people projection issues are there for drawn to her
it is hard to say if this is denial and whether she is
trying to avoid her own culpability
she seems to have come through the clinic the same person
that she was before and perhaps using therapy as a cover to recreate herself , at
least her image, though somewhere in this down deep is a grain of Truth at
least in the sense that she is drawn to people who damage her because she can't
possibly attract other kind
She can't manipulate people who lack of flaw to which she
can attach herself. her idea of
projection maybe exaggerated but she seems to turn herself into the person her
victims need her to be in order to allow her to make use of them
they don't project on
her as much as she reflects their need. this psychic bubble simply allows her
to maintain the fiction that she is wholly blameless for him manipulation
she says she has a new view on the situation as a result of
her stay at the clinic when in fact this is the same view she had been carrying
around for years
she says she attracts those who tend towards abusive and
unhealthy behaviors, who have identity and emotional issues, and then impose
their own self judgments on her
she has not been able to get healthy boundaries or separate
their perceptions of her from her own and she is not responsible for their
behaviors and attract them because she is empathetic and non-judgmental which
is a good quality
this is a startling review although my suspicion is that she
actually believes it
she goes on to say that she now has to trust her own self
perception she has to figure out what she wants and what she values in herself
and who she believes she is she has to believe she deserves self care she has
to separate others wants and needs from her own behavior
this strikes me as extremely honest and perhaps painful
she says others take on her reality, it is not her reality
and she is trustworthy she has a great memory she has wonderful intuition and
is strong kind and fundamentally good and deserving of love and kindness
she does not have to own the hurt others have caused her by
hurting herself
Can she exist in a world where others who have been close to
her or sort of people who have in the word not good people and that it is not a
reflection on who she is or what she deserves going forward
in other words she said she's been around not good people
but that is not what she is
she indeed does deserve better but she feels to take
responsibility for choosing to be around bad people, bad attracts bad as for
trustworthy and the rest she clearly has proven different in her pursuit of
power that said however she has gotten very little for all she's invested in
this pursuit and can be expected more of the same as she continues to blame
everyone else except yourself for doing bad things
she says because she is not succeeded in the past does not
mean that she is doomed to failure for the rest of her life or that this is a
state of things or that happiness enjoy or not applicable to her she will find
recovery just because he will things in the end people have been around her
it's just not make the whole world evil it is not her fault and she is not
responsible for fixing this fact
in other words she is saying that her empathy has often
allowed evil people to use her but that this does not have to be a permanent
thing in the future that she can change
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