having settled the issue of panic family members concerned
with her apparent frustration with food,our poet went back to her other big
complaint about the place the other people
There is an old adage about how hospitals are dangerous
because you can catch nearly every disease there while being treated for
something else.
The same might be said for the clinic our poet is in. The
patients have the ability to set off her triggers and increase the depths of
her disorder.
in an essay posted on March 23rd came with a disclaimer --
like a yellow warning sign-- but instead
of watch out for falling rock or slick when wet road
her disclaimer said potential triggers and like a made for
TV movie in which we are warned against assuming any of the characters depicted
represent anyone real in life we are told the experiences described here or non
attributable to any specific patient and are meant as examples of personal
experiences they are not meant in any way to be judgmental or derogatory or but
observational and used in defense to her own reaction to them which is separate
from said patients and experiences
most of the previous above are practically direct quote,
trying to remain politically correct in case someone in authority reads her
blog. She’s already been burned with others over their perceptions of her
perceptions.
All of this is a kind of double speak since she already
knows that this will raise a few eyebrows
in this she says she loves these girls but notes that her
ability to tolerate behaviors are limited because they tend to trigger hers.
as in our last essay she appears to cover ground that she
touched on earlier essays and why she received an incomplete after refusing to
eat the sugar laden meals she was offered
again she appears to be making a case for her behavior and
hence at some possible conflict over this not with family member as was the
case in the last essay but with her overseers
on pizza night she noted three sets of eyes leap from her
plate to theirs and others and back seeing if her portion has less cheese on
her exact same Pizza as theirs when they are still on weight restriction meals
plans and she's not
this used to be the scariest meal for her and she is hungry
and hopes for a calm dinner.
she sees herself as
an adult with a child's body and hates that she has become an example of what
weight restoration looks like
one girl rips her Pizza part and is so covered with crumbs
and grease she looks like a pizza chef 24 hours into a shift
another woman chred
32 to 34 times each bite, pauding to speak between each to allow the food to
digest, asking constantly about the time left as it takes her 45 minutes to eat
a slice that should have been devoured in less than 15 minutes
another woman starts off every meal by insulting her food
and how wrong the process is and how much fatter she feels and how she is
forcing herself to handle this meal
the emphasis is on Force as she glares at our poet who is
finally built up the courage to order dessert with her meal which is outside
her meal plan but her meal plan is not real life but super conservative
she finds it uncomfortable to have people looking at her as
she eats her cake ,watching her take every bite, wishing they could have it,
hating her for having it, judging her for having it and themselves for wanting
it -- then going back to their Pizza consumed with slow mouse bites and
self-promises to never do it again once they leave
she said she spent 20 years with the thoughts like these and behaviors such as not resisting three slices
she said some of
those people saw the clinic as a kind of social club, and that the clinics seem
to have their own pecking order, full of judgmental people, something she
clearly did not envision when looking at these places from a far.
She said she’s had to endure talk about her weight and she's
heard similar talk about other people as well
she is perfectly aware of their struggles that disorder can
take over their brains and they become unaware of what is being done around
them. but she said there has to be ways to manage these without roping other
people in, in order to feel less alone or impinging on the progress of others
who want to recover.
she said when she feels negative she doesn't deny the
thought because that would be
counterproductive.
she just removes
herself from the community and processes these thought with the therapist or
others in the clinic in order to avoid the negative impact
she sees a lot of her own eating disorder voiced in these
other people and it makes her sad although she is aware that in real world
there are a lot of triggers that she has to manage and needs to practice
self-care in an entire community of triggers seeing this transition by the fold
as a relief
and she says she looks forward to that first meal where she
cannot think about any of it where she just gets to eat
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