For all that I have written in my regular and poetry journals
about her, there are many areas of which I know little or nothing about her.
And for all my silly fantasy pieces I’ve written with her in
mind (or what gets churned up by my jealousy over what I think she might be up
to with others), I really know very little about her sexual preferences.
The fact is what I write as fantasy is a reflection of my
own lusts, not what actually transpire in her life. And projecting onto her my
own desires is a bit dishonest, and I would rather create fantasy that is realistic
in its expectations – what she might actually do and enjoy.
I know she loves sex. I also know she knows a lot about sex,
perhaps much more than I can even imagine.
But the intimate details of what she likes in regards to sex
is as mysterious to me as some other aspects of her life, and short of having
mentioned sex she could die for in one poem, her poetry does not highlight any
of these details.
There is no clear picture of what sexual acts she has engaged
in over the years, and whether there are preferences or acts she would not
engage in.
I know she has engaged in male on female sex, female with
female, and at least once engaged a woman and man. She once claimed she has
tried strap-on at least once, though she did not go into detail – though I
suspect it was with another woman.
On one dating site last year, she claimed she would allow
someone to film her having sex, but it isn’t certain whether she meant porno or
something more intimate to be shared only with that other person, playful acts
between consulting adults.
Because she is bisexual, she clearly enjoys giving and
receiving oral sex with woman on woman, and most likely also likes having a man
go down on her (which is how I suspect our former temporary boss caught his
cancer).
But I’m not certain (and she has given no indication)
whether she would go down on a male or would allow a man to penetrate her anally.
She clearly likes sharing dirty pictures – at least, she
once asked me to show her a picture of my dick. She also likes dirty talk and
sexting, and from the naked pictures she sent me of herself, she appears to enjoy
masturbating and may also like watching a man do so in person or remotely.
In one of my journals, I recorded her claiming she was a
virgin up until she was 18 – something I still find difficult to believe. I
once suspected that she had an affair with her performance arts teacher (Perhaps
just an aspect of my own fantasy). As a bartender in Hometown back in
2002-2003, she no doubt got involved with a number of men (and possibly women, and
perhaps was seduced into more aggressive sexual behavior as reflected by her
change of priority poem.
She was clearly extremely sexual during her time as a
teacher, and eventually consented to have sex with her girlfriend’s boyfriend
after he kept hitting her. He later drugged her and raped her – a psychic scar she
retained.
She said after the break up of a boyfriend (possibly the one
she was involved in while at college), she remained celibate until two of her
friends (a man and woman) seduced her (the one certain time she had sex with
more than one person at a time – though I suspect not the last).
When she got married in 2003-2004 (in of all places, Las Vegas),
she claims she remained loyal to her husband, and did not cheat on him, even
though he claimed she did, and used this claim to cheat on her.
I tend to believe her in this, although it must have been extremely
frustrating, since she was often on stage with the band, eye candy, and no
doubt the target of many, many men who wanted to be with her.
It’s silly to recount her sexual life after her breakup
although she clearly got involved with a number of people, often her bosses and
others.
But what transpired during these encounters is beyond me.
She said she liked get her share of dick. And from my
limited experience, I know she liked being on top, riding a man’s cock, but
what other things she likes, I can only guess, which is the trouble with any
fantasy.
She engaged in “working things out” sex while I knew her, something
she clearly has done before and most like since.
But what exactly she likes to do and dislikes is beyond me.
Others such as our former temporary boss and perhaps the
owner of our company know better, and certainly those with whom she’s been
involved with since.
But I can’t imagine going up to RR or the Virgin Mayor or
Joey D and asking: “Tell me what kind of fucking does she like?”
I’m left with my pitiful imagination, this mirror of my own
desires (even though it will remain unrequited for more than just practical reasons.
In the end, whatever fantasy I write (poetry or fiction), it
is my imagination gone amok, and not at all based on reality (except in the
vaguest sense of how it felt to be close to her, not because anything I actually
know about her preferences.)
But then, it is also a kind of private caprice, a playful exercise
to make up for the lack of real experience, more me than her, even if thinking
of her, having been near her, inspired it.
(Something of a sad life, I suppose).
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