Saturday, October 19, 2024

The morning after April 7, 2012


(In a post from 2014 in which I talked about the poem she sent me regarding her fling with the guy from the bar, I mentioned there was a back and forth. So I decided I should also post the poem I sent her in response to hers. Looking back from more than a decade, I realize how naive my response was, not exactly dishonest, but reflected what i thought she wanted to hear, while i seethed with jealousy. I'm posting it to keep the record straight -- ADS Oct. 19, 2024)


 On Sat, Apr 7, 2012 at 8:54 AM, <asullivan00@comcast.net> wrote:

 

The morning after

 

Darkness swirled around inside my head

The fog of three drinks and gulps of hormones

(yours and mine)

I knew from your face

You would seek something else that night

A stroll through another dark,

Another stranger’s arms,

He holding the body and remote soul

I cannot and ache to.

It meant nothing, you

You tell me later,

And I believe you,

Stung and pleased by this trust you have in me,

As if you already know that no matter what you do

I cannot judge

Will not judge

Because there is nothing to judge

Making love to you instead in my mind

Trying to duplicate his movements over you,

His breath, his penetration

Trying desperately to feel me/him inside of you

Stroke by stroke

Wondering: did he stroke your hair?

Did he feel the tremble of your lips/hips under his?

Did he appreciate this sip of exotic wine

That still intoxicates me more now than ever?

No names

Anonymous love

Ghosts walking desperate streets,

Finding weak answers in meaninglessness

And me, trusted to share even this,

To bear witness to a strange pain

I only partly had a part in creating

And some other more distant viciousness

Of a past I had no part in at all

When some vicious  beast violated you,

Yet, in this perverse world,

I bear witness to this, too,

And wonder

Who these men think they made love to

When the real you wasn’t there?

While here, distant,

Without even the ability to touch you

I find the real you,

Envying them for having your outside

While I bumble around like a hapless burglar

Inside of you,

Ever seeking a way deeper in.

 


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