her post confirms that she is without a job but it doesn't
make clear if she needed to get to the clinic before benefits ran out
I do not think that she used the eating disorder in order to
get out of the bad situation she is in the Virgin Mayors town.
last year, she blamed me for causing her relapse; I'm not
sure who was to blame this year.
her post this morning seem to echo -- at least in part-- a journal entry I had posted while she was
away and while this seems like a vague connection ( and only marginally to
assume that I’m still her thoughts perhaps to blame
she still comes to my
site directly from her town, so as to
make it clear that I must still be in the mix and may still be blamed for
causing her distress
she likely assumes
that I am following her exploits and may even feel sympathy for her plight
she must also assume to realize that I'm sympathetic but know better than to reply
this might be her way of keeping open communications even in
the most vague way
her poems sometimes are so cryptic I can't make them out
completely but I think one of them may have been in some ways reference the
fake campaign in hometown last fall
I think she panicked when she got fired and leaped into
disability in order to keep her head on straight since she knew she already had
a problem and was willing to put up two weeks of torture at the clinic
she was forced to say 6 weeks by those who offered to pay
for it
now that she is back she needs to put things together into
some new gig and will keep up with the program in New York
if I figure it into it at all it is most likely as her enemy,
someone she will continue to bait but not openly engage, hoping I will make the
mistake of reaching ou,t offering affection where there is only rage
she makes reference to her cat who she is not seen in 38
days and then and about how it threw up at her feet after she tried to feed it
wet food
this seems to reflect an essay I posted on March when I
talked about my cat Sam
she goes on to talk about how she has a cold. she mentioned
coming on back in March 26th
when she started to
get ready to leave the clini, her glands swelled like golf balls
she speculated whether it is allergies not a cold
She also reflected on her surviving another winter to
witness another spring for this she is extremely grateful
she of course goes on to point out the differences between
where she was and where she is now, the familiar whine of an ambulance siren
interrupting her thought process as she sits in her tiny desk
it was the sound of
pothole pounding machine every few hours she couldn't identify except to listen
to it and think of dinosaurs fighting and stomping around mighty have sounded
like before meteor hit
she points out that it's raining again and damp bone
chilling 50° and how different it is from where she was a place full of
tropical flowers but where she is now smells like a sewer
as she sips her espresso with almond milk, she thinks that
she gets to flesh her own toilet all by herself and expects to clean the litter
pan and take a shower and expect to hear her cell phone ringing with a video
from her bed mate in the clinic, bouncing in her tank top while bemoaning this
bit of breakfast or that
meanwhile, she is going to eat her cottage cheese and
granola and berries on schedule because she's clinging to the routine like a
lifeline she imagines she has been given as one of the graduates from the
clinic
her mother gave her a cactus plant as a coming home present
and this sits on her desk.
she says her dreams are strange, hybrid versions of
treatment and it has been a chore to put away the usual home cycles of thought
that include worries about finances, about not having a job, and disability
checks not yet arrived, about what it is she's going to do with the rest of her
life, about whether or not her food schedule will affect her body differently
than it did in the clinic
it is impossible for me to know precisely what transpired in
the Virgin mayors town at the end of January to send her into this tailspin,
whether the rumors of her over taxing her position are true or not. but it is
clear that whatever happened ended her relationship with the city so that she
cannot go back and that finances became an issue once the paycheck stopped. how
much of her trip to clinic is a real attempt at recovery will likely remain a
mystery but it seems she got more than she intended to get
she seems to have got religion again
she's reflecting also on her more than 20 years of living
with her problem and how this nudges against the healthier framework treatment
setup for her in her hamster brain
she apparently did artwork as part of recovery and brought
that with her and has set it up on the wall near her bed so when it is the
first thing she sees when she gets up in the morning and it will serve as a
reminder to her about the experience of the clinic she does not want it to fade
away
the whole thing seems to be a pretty honest and
straightforward although there are contradictions.
so it's clear she must miss the sisterhood of the experience
and very much feel even more cast out now that she is back in her own lonely
digs.
as of this writing she is scheduled to go to the clinic in
New York the outpatient after which she intends to have dinner then stop at a
friend's at some point to say hello and to try and fill them in on the
relatively small space of time what felt like completely different life and a
universe and that couldn't possibly be so fully recounted to anyone not even
herself
truthfully enough she says it won't be easy to keep it up
since the ghost of her former life lingers around her in her apartment and
despite her intentions, she will still go on
it's a little like
being in a perpetual state of semi-consciousness, she says ,like one that hits
you when you are waking up in the morning before you fully present but she says
she is strong and she has a slew of tools now and the presence of incredibility
and inspiring women and the moments she gathered in the clinic to bring her
into the next phase she has no choice but to believe that things will fall into
place and that this time they will be better not necessarily easy but far far
better well she says let's do it
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