yesterday Joe -- my replacement in the peninsula City-- complained about the owner forcing him to
slant stories in favor of the incumbent mayor, one more piece of evidence of
corruption we can't do anything about
(and possibly what our poet meant when she talked about ethical
and other issues in our publications0
GA the hometown blogger has asked for emails between our
owner and James and no doubt this has prompted James to react, perhaps to use
our former temporary boss to ferrit out what I know, suggesting once more a
relationship between the two that may have roots back to 2012 when our former
temporary loss sent the hometown reporter to seek out and destroy GA.
the other uncomfortable thing in all this is the close ties
between my former temporary boss and Tim Carroll who was an operator for James
on the paper several years ago may will be, the Brain trust who sought to take
over the paper last year and the year before.
Our former temporary boss lacks real authority on paper,
plays out the role of an important person he wishes he was. the more contact I
have with him the more I realize just how much he imposes on other people and
in many ways resembles our poet in that sense of desperation for power
it is easy to see how our poet managed to manipulate him
although from what our poet most recently posted. she either has taken a step
back from it all trying to rebuild her reputation in order to start over fresh
or has already found some new venue and has little or minimum use for those
whom she played in the past.
but even in the post
she posted yesterday, the poet retains the hunger for wealth and privilege that
continues to keep her on the path to self destruction
she can't get the idea of being invisible out of her head or
her blood even when she allegedly in the midst of reform.
her current effort to recover from her eating disorder is
not about to fix this, so ultimately she will come back to the same place again
regardless of how much therapy she gets because she is trying to fix the
symptom not the disease
Since she has a tendency to pick losers like our former
temporary boss rather than people who can actually give her access to power,
she can't help but repeat what she has done especially as she ages and her
ability to compete with younger women grows less
it clear she is nostalgic for that time 10 years ago when
she assumed she was on the road to success.
she had just met her
soon to be husband and had started to record music she believed would bring her
the fame and fortune she has craved since a kid
In her essay, she said she circled the block twice the block
she lived two blocks down from 10 years ago in New York, near to the outpatient
clinic she is on her way to.
It was a block she walked up and down several times a day to
get to and from work and where she bought diet pills from
then she took a deep breath and walked through the lobby
doors onto outpatient clinic on Wednesday
in an elevator with a huge mirror -- for some reason the
elevator mirrors have always been something she avoided and if she had
accidentally caught herself in them they've been most certainly made her
promise not to eat anything that day except there she was on her way to eat
again she cried the whole way
then she waited to see the therapist and wondered why she
was there. she had spent two hours dressing that morning aiming not to look fat
and to look spiffy enough to be in Manhattan
she felt once again unworthy. not sick enough, simply
ridiculous, awkward, believing she should be spending her time looking for a
damn job whileshe ate that damn sandwich and got on with her damn life
then fighting tremors sweats and tears she opened her eyes
to see a group of women fighting the same fight she was and gradually she came
to think this is just what she needed.
when she feared it being hard, she feared her actual life
being harder and she feared her life without it because she needed help and
this was part of the process
how honest all this is I can't tell since the poet writes
this intentionally so that one of her handlers will read it( as well as those
beyond her handlers family, friends and others who she is attempting to
convince that she really is on the road to recovery and this is a brand new and
more trustworthy poet.)
she may even see herself leaping into this as she leapsinto
all her past projects, only to leap out when she is confronted by how hard it
actually is
she may be manipulating but the tone of voice in these
pieces seems less swarmy than pieces she described to manipulate with in the
past with the exception of a few exaggerated essays
these essays seem moderate and realistic to suggest she is
sincere on some level and if she is deluded, it may be simply be in the
misconception that if she cures her eating disorder she will be on the road to
a better life
this essay also gives clue to more serious issue of her need
to be on the inside track. a player someone who can look out at the masses she
has risen above
Going back to Manhattan stirred up all the old feeling , how
good things felt there, the rhythm and life of the city she once fled from but
continued to love,the pace around her outpaces the clamor in her head and she
feels a little if just a teensy bit more sane, safer in these anonymous crowds
than in a suburban mall or even int a crowded room than in a restaurant, moving
and walking where they are all just moving and walking, pulsing units on their
way to and from places, functioning as a larger organism rather than an
excruciating group of individuallitic pathologies and psychodramas, and it is
soothing her until she gets there and suddenly she feels exposed again.
our poet freaked out at first when her therapist said she
will have to be in the program for a month. which is partially hospitalized
program in which a patient continues to reside at home but commutes to the
treatment center up to 7 days a week and usually involve group therapy,
individual therapy and general assessments
why should she freak out seems odd in that she already knew
when she left the clinic that she would need this kind of therapy, perhaps she
assumed it would take less time as she had when she went to the clinic first,
perhaps this is what she assumed they wanted her to hear and she has to justify
her change of heart as she went to the next bit
she took a big breath and told herself it's going to be okay
she can do it hard or not.
she has been doing hard all her life and she's going to get
a lot more work done. she liked the idea when the woman told her this was going
to change her life for the better. no one, the poet claims, ever told her that
before
the poet had told the
woman she did not believe happiness was in her future perhaps it will be
No comments:
Post a Comment