her most recent post is terrifying in its clarity and its sense of hope
unlike previous reviews of her past in regard to a life at
the newspaper, she is not openly blaming me for her relapse, and indeed may be
confronting some of her own demons
in this latest effort
she seem to rise above what she has become
somewhere in the
midst of this batch of essays, her tone changed and she lost some of her tone
of confidence as well as her self perception of being a victim.
I'm not saying this latest essay is more honest than in the
past efforts but it feels different in tone
she revisits the past and it hurts of events that transpired
before and after my encounter with her
she's contemplating the idea of the impact places that can
bring the brain back to other thoughts she hadn't thought or considered in some
time and a change of context that rises like ghosts of events in the past
it is almost like nostalgia but without the wimpishness and
more like PTSD
she said she woke to the Twilight and the remnants of a
clinging cold that had not been so bad in her dreams
she said the clinic and the sessions gone deep into layers
of earthy disorder related to her the dysfunctional thoughts
staring out her window, she recalled previous ritual of getting coffee
from one of the local shops she also recalled the slew of oppressive thoughts
with one overwhelming emotion guilt
this was followed by a variety of internal voices denying
any responsibility and the idea that she still had wasted her money by going to
the clinic and that the next stop for the treatment in New York was unnecessary
she would be going for a hardcore job search
she also was struck by the years she's been seeking careers and
wondered about what she did with all the second chances she's been given
she pondered the various futures that she could have had
such as child rearing and part of a couple with a dog, a husband, and a picket
fence
and what about all the time and money invested in talent
ventures and all the places she had lived and left the many identities she had
taken and shed over the years
she used to be
someone who woke up and wanted to be someone with a girl getting energy that
bordered on uncomfortable and that propelled her through the fantastic and too
busy days that kept her at disastrous jobs longer or shorter than they should
have been
she recalled being able to read or watch TV for only short
purse before becoming consumed again with getting onto the green side of the
fence at some point that energy began to fade into exhaustion and the burden of
going in all frightfully alone
she tended to become more and more isolated and marked by
inability to leave the house or hotel room for any length of time without
someone else to inspire her She seemed
always to feel the sense of being stuck and this led to a relapse.
all this said makes her argument sound very reasonable and
makes it all seem as if she really is on the road to recovery and perhaps he is
but the essay hints of still suppressed rage she clearly did not intend and
does not go so far as to completely backtrack from the life she led prior to
her visit to the clinic even if there were no suggestions contained in this
essay to hint at the contrary and the essay could have been taken at face value
as a statement of attrition it would be unwise to assume all is forgotten or
forgiven
it is not
one does not undo decades of decadence in 6-week trip to the
clinic and as reasonable as the essay sounds or feels it also seems too good to
be true
like any brilliant essayist she concedes much too lure the
reader into the full sense of attrition and in all this admits more openly what
she has previously alluded to only in her poems
if there is a smoking gun in this particular work it comes
at a point in which I enter the picture but she has a few more points to
concede prior to reaching that place
she said the guilt of being unable to function or be a bad
role model to those around her or not becoming the success and career woman the
family or others wanted kept her from total self-destraction and kept her in
pursuit of some career she would no longer name.
What the hell does she want anyway?
A singing career?
After 5 years of barely eeking out a living as a singer, she
found she's forgotten why it was she singing in the first place -- the joy of
belting out a tune in her living room gave way to the need to please those
around her and the horror of being recognized in public just a little combined
with the beginning of her loss of an anonymous for the quieter life
people kept asking her why she didn't try out for American
idol something she opposed but all this left her the pressure without the
purpose.
Not going into the complete history of her various careers,
we reach the point where I come into the picture
so she picked up on writing as a way to start over even
though the journalism career at our paper paid less than minimum wage and
required more than two jobs worth of hours alongside questionable ethics and a
tendency toward life-wrecking scandal invention in order to meet the bottom
line at her soul to spit it out but the guilt
Being 32 and starting over again and being sort of good at
it kept her there until she once more broke down and relapsed
All this is a possible shot at our owner and possibly when
referring to questionable ethics, and at me when talking about a life wrecking
scandal inventions all of which ate at her soul and spat it out.
she stayed on because she was good at writing but then again
broke and relapsed the truth is she quit because she was forced out
hence in her latest career in the as a municipal PR and
mayoral office manager that happened to be tied to a still and more abject
poverty and a Salem witch like environment of fear, character assassination and
legal snafus further hence the relapse that landed her in the clinic
she say she was again underpaid something other than maybe
what she told or gossip when she moved on from the paper and environment of
fear she compared to Salem witch trials suggesting bad vibes in the office as
people above her question hard loyalty, and the legal snafu is most likely the
mayor's trial this leaves the character assassination and the possibility of
blaming me for outing her predatory habits when in fact for the most part I
refrained from any of that
Though this brings mine the forged sword poem and the threat
that my connection to the hometown blogger would be used against me and was
this suggesting some connection to James who was the instrument of that attack
now on the other side as she sits thinking in her memory
chair she finds herself feeling guilty over the fact that she failed to yet
another life venture. a 20-year career with eating disorder, she knows it's
unnatural to think this way but that was common ground for life way of varied
in exhaustive life path Ed
she said Ed held her back from obtaining true success a girl
forever interrupted by shame and cruelty and broken Disney version of life she
simply could not lead
and she debates making the attempt again
so she sits clutching her cup of coffee. pleased that she
got up and wrote this morning and that the sun has risen over her in a way that
would make a more beautiful, and sees the ultimate thing that has helped her
through her trails and tribulations: The written word.
she suggests that she may tell her own story
writing will always be here if she has anything at all to do
with Ed
She seems to conclude with the idea that she will not left
self guilt defeat her, and apparently has decided to embark on a new adventure,
But who knows what that will be.
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