She posted a new poem on Superbowl Sunday, something of a
surprise, although the subject matter was completely familiar.
How she did not want to do what she had been doing, but did
it anyway.
The poem suggests she still feel protected in her nest. She
still hopes she can be saved by the angels in her life.
This poem comes about a week after her previous poem,
perhaps adding evidence to her resolution to accept who she is.
In the poem she compares her “bad past” to dust and
something dank, mixing with the future, dragging her back, and yet also
forward, but not in a kind way.
‘The day I do it again will be the end,” she says, and still
she did it, and surprisingly, she survived, though perhaps barely, and without straight
to see ahead.,
She claims she doesn’t need to, that her angels have placed her
in a box for the moment, allowing her to rest. They promise to take her away to
some place else where she can be safe, where there is quiet, and she can rebuild
her strength.
It is easy to make assumptions about what she means by all
this, who here angels are, and where they intend to take her.
The poems opens with a brief description of the kind of life
she lived in the past, dusty and dank, a “bad past,” and an old way of life,
which she claims she would die if she repeated, and yet suggests that she
repeated it and didn’t die (although also suggesting she survived by a whisper).
Purely speculating, this may or may not have to do with Superbowl
Sunday, and perhaps some old bad habit she fell back into on account of this,
but whatever it is, this bad past tread on her current life and cast shadows on
the future.
The poem suggests that she did not have to do whatever she
did, that she is in a protective bubble for the moment, where she can gather
strength, and has the promise from these “angels” that they will take her away
to some place even safer.
I could easily put inappropriate pieces together that might
shed light on her meaning about a “bad past” such being on same yacht, trickling
up and such, but I suspect these might be my making judgements and so I’ll
avoid imposing them.
It is possible that she may mean her eating disorder rather
than the darker vision some of her metaphor conjure up.
But it is strongly suggested that she was unable to avoid
bad habits of the past and threatened to cloud her present and future, and that
she has been blessed by the help of angels who are keeping her safe for the
moment and will take her to an even safer place.
The poem, while expressing hope, also is edged in sadness,
and her holding out hope for a future that may or may not exist, and that she
must accept her current situation even when she is ambitious for something greater.
The subtext is hope rather than reality, and this sense that
she may actually not believe in future salvation, and fears she might continually
do this thing until she decides to stop or is forced to, and she believes that
going far away may get her to a place where she will be better able to resist
these urges to back slide.
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