The next poem in this bunch she most recently posted in the
most desperate of all, and suggests that someone has again let her down –
echoing some of the betrayal she alluded to in her previous poem.
This person could be anybody – that inner core of people to
whom she gave her trust, someone, as she put it, who shot her in the back while
she was sleeping.
More than a little ironic, since it suggests someone took
from her what she felt she was entitled to.
(Rumor claims she expected to get another $20,000 raise and
that the masters of her fate gave it to someone else. But rumors are always
unreliable.)
She opens the poem with the suggestion that someone has not
been responding to her, and that not talking is a kind of message, and
something that seems to have become part of her way of life, and perhaps she’s
always been left out, and is only coming to realize that now, staring “trusting,
blindly into the eyes of what I thought I saw.”
But this wasn’t her imagination (as may be implied by the
context of the poem, reflecting promises made to her and then taken back,
perhaps even in the sense of love.
“I will not dismiss what I saw,” she says.
She saw beauty, hope and a dream, which apparently got
shattered “in a violent moment,” when she saw it all “slide down the drain,”
perhaps not realizing until then that this was an inevitable conclusion.
I’m not being smug in reporting this. Yes, she tends to
trust the wrong people, throwing her faith into those whom she respects or
loves, but often these are scoundrils.
“How stupid was I?” she writes, apparently again talking to
the man she professed to love, someone she had elevated above the maddening crowd.
This may have come as a result of her own desperate
situation,, and where she was stuck, and so was blinded to what this other
person’s intentions were.
Still, she seems to believe that the love she felt, they
shared, was real love, regardless of what has transpired since.
And here, she gives a bit more perspective on what this man
was like, a relationship that was “beautiful, tragic, abusive, wrong and right,”
but now she needs to move on into something she doesn’t want.
“But what I do despite all that I thought you’d see me
through,” she writes.
Now, she seeks for something new, and how this “might
somehow redeem the total heartbreak,” – her face flat against the floor, and
perhaps this will lead her into “the trueness of what I deserve.”
She makes it clear, however, that despite what has happened
and where things have ended up, “the love I feel or as I’m told felt, will not
go, it’s you.”
This is a potent love poem and the best of the four she’s
posted in so many days, and seems to say that she is forced to move on if she
expects to survive.
Lack of communication has haunted the relationship from the
start, and that she has once more fooled herself into seeing something she
wanted to see in the other person, rather than what might actually have been
there.
She just can’t bring herself to throw away the vision, which
evaporated in what she calls “a violent moment.”
She didn’t think that the relationship was doomed, but came
to conclude that it would always come to this kind of end.
She only moderately criticizes herself for fooling herself
and putting this man on a pedestal.
She was in a bad place when she launched into the affair.
Now she has to pick up the pieces and go through what she always
thought he would be there to help her get through, and now she must get through
it alone, and she must wait on some new opportunity that might help her make up
for the misery, bringing to her finally those things she believes she deserves.
This poem picks up themes from the previous poem where she
grits her teeth and comes to accept her role, and continues the painful them of
emotional turmoil that may or may not have to do with her job. But as pointed
out previously, she tends to find relationships in her place of employment, so
when the romantic part of expires, so does the job.
The scarry part of this is that the man she loves is violent
and abusive, even though she still sees him as beautiful.
She still loves him anyway.
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