I deliberately stalled in writing about the of her most
recent poems, partly because it is complex, mostly because it suggests she
might be on the brink of a major change, and I’m not yet capable of knowing
what that change is.
In this poem, she is primarily concerned about survival, and
how she has learned to cope with things that might have destroyed her in the
past,
In other words, she may be down and out now – or as she put
it “heel to nose, back broken – but she’s stronger than she was in the past.
“You have come so far you’d normally be broke, deposed and
insane,” and “reaching into the back pocket of ‘I used to be like this and see
what I deserve.”
But it is the next line that is most revealing, and somewhat
harkens back to the bitter poem she posted when she resigned from our office
last year, this time calling it “a sad destiny played out once more.”
This suggests that there is more going on behind the scenes
with her than just the demise of a romantic relationship -- although it is
possible the two things are connected since she tends to get involved with
people at her work places,
But she takes this last line back, saying, she’s not the
same person she was during those other episodes.
“You’re strong. You’ve gotten what you couldn’t have
imagined,” she writes, telling herself she’ll get over it, and not take blame
as she has in the past, when she thought “all the kings horses and all the
kings men” couldn’t put her together again, yet did, even though she seemed
shattered by the experiences “while you begging it not to be. Begged.”
And yet she stood strong – or in describing it almost as a
comical or physical reaction, she “laid supine”, prone, waiting.
The poem takes a slight turn here, and perhaps makes
reference to the previous poem about being tempted by something, as she waited
for something she thought she wanted, wanted badly, presuming it might never
come, and if it did, it would redeem her, and bring her more than she even imagined.
Perhaps it was, but then, she was betrayed, “shot in the
back” while she was sleeping (metaphorically of course, and this can’t mean me
this time).
Even after being bushwhacked, she got up, put one rh clothes,
brushed off the “latex and shame” and carried on.
This last phrase has a number of curious possible meanings, suggesting
perhaps a BDSM event (although this may be my perverted and dirty mind), in
which she may have felt used and abused by someone she thought she respected or
love, a humiliating situation.
And using yet another curious phrase, she carried on without
weeping, “without the prerequisite rending of garments” like she should have.
Rending garments, also known as kri'ah, is a tradition of
tearing or rending clothing to express grief over the loss of a loved one.
So, the poem may well again bring us back to that point
earlier where she is bemoaning the loss of her lover, and the promise that she
believed a relationship with him might bring.
And the poem concludes, “here you are again, at the start,
fresh wound to stir you on and on.”
Taken in this context, this is another heart-wrenching poem
about accepting who she is and the determination to keep going even when her
world once again seems in ruins. She won’t let this break her, and in the end,
she really only has herself to rely on, although after all these years, she is
a bit bitter about needing to fix herself once again. But she will pick herself
up and survive.
The poem suggests betrayal on several levels. But it is
impossible to say exactly what transpired, only that what she hoped for, what
she thought would save her, did not occur. Instead she got “shot in the back”
while sleeping.
The “latex and shame” reference along with the shot in the
back remark may suggest that the man she loved may have cheated on her or worse,
leaving her humiliated because she may have assumed what went on with them was
love.
And as strong as she makes herself out to be, it is clear
this is a deep wound this man has inflicted on her, and she is basically
telling him she is not going to fold up and die because of it.
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