Her latest revelations about the violence in her recent relationship has me rethinking just who it is she fell so hard for.
While nobody ever truly knows what a man is capable of when
it comes to sexual frustration, there are a few of the suspects I can’t imagine
hurting her physically for any reason.
This is especially true for our former temporary boss – who is
so deeply in love with her he would cut off his own dick before letting any
harm come to her.
RR is capable of it, but I suspect she had already parted
ways with him romantically by the time this affair began.
The rest of the crew I don’t know well enough to draw any
conclusions.
Yet, I suspect this is not the first time she had had to
deal with violence of this kind, and I’m not referring to the drug-induced rape
that forced her to leave her beloved career as a teacher.
This may explain those pieces in which she felt terrified
enough focus on locking her doors.
She appears to have lived in a world where there was a potential
for violence at every door, and since she made a point of trickling up, she no doubt
made enemies that might want to do her harm.
There is also the intense disappointment she may have
engendered when (as in my case) she decided to move on to someone else.
She was clearly terrified by her stalker from Brooklyn, even
though she told me she had been through worse prior to him.
What seems different about the most recent episode is her
complex reaction, dealing with a whole different level of domestic violence,
and finding herself playing a very typical role as a victim who put up with it
for a long time because she loved him so much.
It’s no wonder her life is in such turmoil at this point.
She has always seen herself a survivor, a player, someone who felt she could
hold her own in game dominated by the boys, only to be undone by love, and the
confusion whether to flee or to cling, neither one seemingly characteristic to a
personality that has always kept control of situations.
Perhaps this is the real person she has kept hidden in
various shells and why she feels the need to wear masks to protect it,
understanding – especially in those early morning hours when she wakes up in a
panic – how vulnerable she really is.
And yet…
I keep reflecting on that brilliant surrealistic story she
posted back in August 2011, which I will likely have to revisit, a story about
a man controlling a woman, her brief flirtation with independence – a lover on
a motorcycle – and how much of an illusion it was, manufactured by that man in
the chair.
As I have pointed out many times in these pages, she is much
more streetwise than I am, even though I’ve been through things in my life as
well, a savvy survivor, who knows the games people play, sometimes gets hurt,
and yet manages to pull herself together.
Only this time, she seems more deeply wounded than in the
past (from what I can gathered with my limited information sources) and may
need much more to help her recover, and I suspect, she will leave for greener
pastures soon in order to find some place (or be with someone) to help her
heal.
I just hope she doesn’t completely vanish.
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