I want to drink her up (scanned notebook)

I want to drink her up until I am drunk
shedding one intoxication for one I better
understand, I need to know why I stagger
around in this fog, bumping my head on things I
cannot see -- if I cut my finger I would
better explain the pain I feel, see blood I
bleed now inside -- it would be a wound I might
stitch up with hope to heal, rather than this
vague ache I can find no cure for I I could
only drink her in where I could understand
her better, letting her inspect me
from the inside out, I might know what is
wrong or right, might find a way to come to
terms with this confusion ongoing in
my head -- I could pin the cause on
what I know I actually did to myself
though I know what I feel now, this hazy
ache, this trembling shake, this vast mistake
I caused, I just don't know how I did it
and so do not know how to undo it, or even
if I want to undo it at all.