In reading the very early communications with our poet I
realize just how deluded I was right from the start
I kept talking about taking the high road when I knew damn
well I never intended to stick to it.
And that my hormones -- once they kicked in -- would send me
down a twisted path from which I would never recover
The highlight of this of course was that day she did the
food review and kept texting me later claiming she was texting her brother
I was a fish already hooked dangling and could not get
myself untangled
Hormones have a nasty way of doing that to me and I wind up
bobbing around like a cork on water with no idea of where I'm going or what I'm
doing
This is made worse by the constant flow of photos you used
to send via text or put up on Facebook and I would just lose myself
I was in a constant battle with myself, and knew that I was
so smitten, I might give up everything just to satisfy her, give her total
control over me.
Good old Dr. Thomas during one of our therapy sessions (He
needed to play Dr. Freud while I wanted to win his admiration over my writing)
told me that I was scared to lose control, even in emotional situations.
Only twice in my life did I come dangerously close to ceding
this control to some woman: my ex-wife, and then in 2012, to our poet.
I would have been a happy camper to stumble behind her,
doing her bidding, while another part of me resisted it.
The high road of course was me pretending that I was more
noble than all of the other men who clearly wanted to be with her
Pure fantasy
In retrospect it was a time when I wanted to be consumed but
was scared to take the plunge and so came back and forth and up and down and
ultimately flaked out
I am utterly susceptible to such things probably even now
although I'm not anywhere near brave enough to test the waters to see if I have
learned anything
And for her there's this question as to whether what she was
doing was deliberate or just a consequence of the situation
Did she know that she had the power to control people
through her sexuality or did it just happen that way and she was as surprised
as the rest of us
I go back and forth on it even now although I had a very
cynical view in the aftermath of the bar thing and all of the stalking crap
Back then I believed that she was manipulating me and others
Overtime looking back I'm not sure that's the case and that
she was just as confused by it all as I was
But one thing is certain there is no Noble road when it
comes to love or lust and some men like me do not fare well once consumed by
our own desire
No comments:
Post a Comment