A poet's post yesterday deals with her belief and continues to depict her struggle over her eating disorder true believer or not she is expending a lot of ink on a struggle that may or not be side effect of a real disorder is if it is you have to wonder what for therapist and is thinking then the one she saw prior to going for treatment earlier this year since someone is the long chain of professional head shrinking realizes the extent of damage one or all of whom likely things to cure the symptoms first and then the deeper issues if these can be cured at all
Although these essays are written to impress someone therapist or family members with her dedication to a cure not so Stark is her early 2011 writing and essay suggests some unresolved conflict beyond the boundaries of Ed and offer some excuses to why she's still behaves the way she does
She said that once you manage your eating disorder symptoms the personality traits and life circumstances that pushed you to use it is a coping mechanism remains she wrote and yesterday's post including at least initially the obsessive thoughts behind it creating this sort of who am I monster of war a brain that will relentlessly eat at you while you eat
She ate out Tuesday night with a dear friend at one of her favorite vegan places in New York City she ate enough to feel uncomfortable since vegetables are bulk and here than other protein and this observation was followed by a strong rhetorical facts that she no doubt learned at the treatment center
This didn't work so she reframed and thought about the beautiful healthy meal she just ate and the friend she had been who she'd not seen in ages and how exhausted she was and still did what you needed to do
This works somewhat but then she said as she said before she can't banish 20 plus years of obsessive thought patterns wired stubbornly and delicately into her brain
But she said she could choose to focus on healthier ones clearly reflecting the advice she'd been given by her therapist and regurgitated the way she had regurgitated classroom lessons while at the school showing off to her teacher just how well she had learned
On one hand she seems to be telling someone what she thinks they want to hear on the other hand she seems to make an excuse for some misbehavior that she is connecting to her et this we get later in this essay
She said it was the weekend she restricted a bit in response to a set of very stressful circumstances and the next day her body demanded she make up for it this may be the actual point of this particular essay painting some conflict she had over the weekend as the product Ed or worse she violated her Ed therapy because of the conflict saying without overtly saying see what you made her do to herself and intellectual guilt Trip dumped on someone she spent the weekend with and which she continues on with as she sat with her nutritionist's office yesterday to reflect her weekend needing of activities she told her what she had done
She's then got told that it's what happens when you skip a dinner she then asked the woman if she had gained weight
The woman said no part of her didn't believe her but that's part that has a certain blessed and more like cure people in her inner circle a billion times whether or not she's fat and and no matter what they say she doesn't believe them that's the part of the who physically heavy when people say she's good enough she's doing well but she's talented she's safe she's okay she's loved and she doubts them always
She concludes that she ate correctly and did her body right the head and found her of the program spoke in a group session the same day and said they can be totally free of the historically and abortionate thoughts
But she said most of them did not feel safe enough to believe her and most of them were desperately desperately wanted to she wrote
She's been told her whole life that there is no full recovery some women in her group even got this from reputable therapist center
This does not fighting mind make she concluded
But the woman at this session basically said it was mind over matter and what sounds to me like telling the women there to drink the Kool-Aid and then the thought patterns that lead to their behavior can be rerouted
But reforging electrical connections in one's head makes takes practice lots of it a new habit must be formed but there is a light on the other side she wrote saying she and others want to believe because even though they have their Ed in check the voices are louder and is torture moments of relief or brief and there are sense of constant struggle making the effortless appealing
She said the traits that welcome them in like perfectionism obsessive compulsive tendencies remain but she cannot lease them on more healthy things like self care social connections career she wrote she wants to believe
Those changes depend on the moment how strong she feels how tired she is how badly her body image issues are fairing
Sometimes when she can't believe in something herself she has to borrow from another's belief until she can but it is your own essentially fake it till you make it
But then this has been her credo all along faking her accomplishments when she can't possibly be what she aches to be at least yet
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