I envy her ability to reinvent herself. It is something I’ve not been able to do. And in someways, she lives up to that old cliché that “everything old is new again,” even if at times, this makes her seem predictable.
Now, after four months of major repair, she seems ready to
once again venture from her cocoon, seeking new venues.
Her life long struggle with her disorder seems a huge part
of her identity and you have to wonder what she would focus on without it.
Our disabilities sometimes define us, and without them, we
might struggle to find meaning – we having focused so intensely on that one
aspect of our lives.
I’ve noticed that most of her career efforts (with the
exception of her stint on the road with the band) have lasted only about a year
– whether her fault of not.
I disagree with that last poem she posted about being the
bringer of bad luck. She always has what it takes, but also to quote another
one of her poems, it takes more than talent, it takes a great deal of luck. –
and she has not been a lucky person
And yet she still
believes she doesn’t get what she deserves, briefly comparing herself to her
favorite food writer.
“I believe I’m the female (version of him) when I forget to
take my meds,” she wrote. “Hell, even when I don’t (forget to take her meds).
This is the first time she mentioned her meds (to my knowledge),
and coupled with her several references to her therapist suggests a whole other
personal conflict undisclosed previously.
I assumed her therapy had been associated with her eating disorder
and perhaps it is.
Her need to be recognized goes back a long time, although
not without a cynical edge. She once described her teaching career as an excellent
form of birth control and a good reason to get government to require people to
get a license to become a parent. She had similar things to say about the band
she performed with for five years, calling them “fat dirty old men. She
complained about the terrible working conditions in similar tones as she expressed
being under paid while working in our office.
She was always vague as to why she abandoned teaching, suggesting
the rape was partly responsible.
In her resignation poem from our office, she blamed herself,
rather than the men who used and abused her (though she retained her bitterness
toward me right up to the day she left her municipal job – her quote at our
office about not hating all men, just a few still sticks with me.)
Much of the reflections I quote her comes from essays she
wrote just after leaving the New York restaurant when she planned her trip to Europe.
“Travel rocks and I plan to do more of it if this bank heist
I’ve been conducting for the last two years works out for me,” she wrote.
When I first read this I assumed she was joking. Now, I’m
not so sure.
And this seems to support some theories about her
manipulation behind the scenes, though it may still be a joke.
If there is any truth behind the joke, then she had some nefarious
plan in her head from just after she left the band. She was never completely
clear on how she afforded the trip to Europe.
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