After two weeks, she finally posted something again.
But it wasn’t worth the wait, reverting back to old writing
patterns that avoid disclosing the real struggle she must be going through.
It comes off as clever, but not deep, though it tends to
reveal (largely by accident) how desperately she clings to the program and how
she’s not getting the answers she wants.
Perhaps suggesting lack of faith even after months of
spouting the necessary platitudes.
It is what other people expect her to say, rather than what
she really thinks.
The essay related a somewhat tragic panic over her search
for a squeezers she ultimately found in her cosmetic case, a somewhat comic
episode but not funny, and an indication of the unconscious conflicts she has
to deal with, which she called operating an auto pilot and obsessed behavior
she is going through.
Her life seems to be a series of fads into which she leaps
gung ho and then later, when discouraged by them, abandon, a repeated pattern
that she might well trace to her childhood, putting faith in situations or
people that don’t deserve it – such as with RR.
I don’t know how deliberate any of this is, but it always
seems to follow the same routine, starting out as a novice (cub) and rapidly
rising to the level of expert, until the whole thing comes down around her ears
such as with the chef, who she had misread as someone successful and who later
turned into a stalker.
After nearly three months engaged in her therapy, she seems
poised to move on again, but needs to send a message to someone that she toed
the line. Who this is, I can’t even begin to guess, and whether or not it
involves her getting onto the bottom rung of yet another ladder to success.
In looking at herself at this moment, she questioned her
focusing on what people tend to do routinely every day, like losing a key etc.
But she notes that her affliction of more than 20 years has
set patterns in her life she cannot easily escape, habitual behaviors she is
suddenly starting to become aware of.
She connects her lost squeezers to the therapy she is
currently going through, as if this obsession with lost squeezers was connected
to her eating disorder, a web of interactions, and which may hide the real
problem.
There are other elements here, such as the concept of guilt she
may feel.
Sometimes people need to free themselves from guilt in order
to finally find a way out from under the mess they’ve made of their lives.
This may seem like an excuse to justify not taking
responsibility for her actions, and yet, there is more than a grain of truth
contained in it. You can’t constantly attack yourself and expect to recover.
She says it is like putting her healthy mind out of sight.
She does conclude on a more positive note, hoping that with
treatment she will become more self aware to recognize displacement as a
symptom of the more serious problem.
What comes out at the end of this is anybody’s guess. I hope
it is for the better.
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