Sometimes, I want to believe her essays are honest and
sincere, while at other times, I think she’s engaged in her PR hyperbole.
This latter struck me when she talked about her “professional”
camera.
And yet, I get the sense that she is so down and out that
she needs to cling to whatever shreds of dignity she can retain
She has immense amount of talent in so many areas that it
gets confusing as to which way she ought to go, much like my best friend,
Paulie, who is also a singer, artist and an assortment of other things.
Fortunately for me, I’m limited in what I can do and so I don’t
have to choose between this or that, and can throw all of my effort into one
thing, never distracted by other potentials.
Yet I can’t make it as a writer, then I’m doomed, while
people like her and Paulie can shift gears.
Yet, may sometimes shift gears too often, failing to get
success simply because they gave up too soon.
With all the things that have gone wrong as of late, she has
shifted gears into doing freelance work, photography and book editing.
In some way, her most recent essay reminds me of the one she
wrote after the infant died when struck by a jitney back when she still worked
for the city, although in this aspect, she clings to what’s left of the
wreckage of her life, like a life preserver she can hold onto until the next
boat arrives.
She clearly still struggles with lack of acceptance, returning
home from the nearby art show, having not been able to prove herself, and so
snatches up her paints, to prove to herself she still has it, and maybe at some
point in the near future, able to prove it to other people as well.
This also reminds me of when I covered her career day event
and she caught me talking to another artist who was making a living as an
artist, when I should have been focused on her. She needs to be recognized,
even if it is only in private, even if it is only people like me who do so from
a distance. She, of course, most likely will never know how much I do
appreciate her.
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