One of the persistent misperceptions I had back when all
this started more than a year ago had to do with my belief that she was much
more in control of all of us than she actually was – and the misbelief that somehow,
she wanted power over others, not just me, but all men, when in fact she did on
one level, but was also victim to circumstance.
She had no other options but to play the hand she got dealt
and to use those tools that seem to have worked for her in the past, even if
ultimately in each case, what she did never got her what she wanted.
The concept of power and powerlessness still appears to be
the primary elements of her life, seeking one while trying to avoid the other.
In our society, men use women while we paint it as if they
are manipulating us, and for someone like her with all her talents, she
struggled from the start to keep from being used, and in this regard, needed to
become powerful enough, and thus appears to need to use others before they
could use her.
This is something of a false dichotomy since there are other
options for most people, which may not be available to her in her use or be
used mode.
I keep thinking back to that time when she was still teaching
and her friend’s boyfriend kept hitting on her, and how eventually she gave in
to him, only to open the flood gates to his belief that he was entitled to her,
resulting in his eventually raping her.
This loss of personal control didn’t just resonate in her in
the way it might have other victims, but also made her realize just how other people
– in particular men – still possessed power over her, even to the point of
violence.
Until then, she apparently assumed she could keep things
together, keep control, and in a panic, she fled what might have been a
promising career.
Since then, I suspect, she’s been conflicted, not just over
her personal issues like her eating disorder, but also how to retain control of
her life, resorting perhaps to that lesson that old lady on the cruise taught her
-- which seemed to confirm that if you don’t use other people they use her.
In truth, she still scares me, because I’m just conscious
enough to sense when I’m being manipulated, yet at the same time, I let it
happen, giving into some childhood fantasy about letting things go and giving
control to other people.
Even at the height of our short interaction, I knew the
whole thing had to end badly, and kept telling myself the momentary joy was worth
the inevitable pain.
But I refused to surrender to her need for control
completely – and if I had, things might have turned out differently, allowing
me to fall into that unique club of those who love her from afar – such as our
temporary boss, her husband and others.
I mistook her lust for power as a threat, rather than what
it really is – a means of survival.
Looking back over the year, I see just how little real
control she has and how many things haunt her, causing her to wake up early
with a hamster wheel of panicked thinking.
I’m sure some day, she will come to realize how much real
power she has, and how she doesn’t have to live in a world of use or be used.
Of course, I still don’t know how much she got used when it
came to our office, whether RR tried to pull her strings to get his agenda.
Most likely, she simply followed a pattern of behavior she learned perhaps all
the way back in high school, when she found a way to escape being seen as a
dork, perhaps living up to that old Police song as girl student and teacher,
which set the foundation for later conquests – all of which ultimately got her
nowhere.
Most likely, I will never see her again – which is probably
a good thing – since as with back then, I still feel she is in control, and I’m
still conflicted, wanting on one hand to surrender everything to her, while on
the other hand desperate to retain my own identity.
In some ways, she does not yet know how powerful she really
is. While she wields sexuality like a sword, she has much more to offer, and
much power influence over others in more positive ways – seeing her teach
taught me that, reading her writing both in what she did for our company as
well as what she posts in her blog shows a vital force inside her that would be
completely awesome if she ever manages to harness it, a non-threatening force
that still draws people to her, even when – such as in my case – these people
are scared to give themselves up completely to her.
True love seems to have escaped her, not because she lacks
anything, but because to achieve it, a man (or woman) must be willing to
surrender to her. So far, nobody really has.
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