Absent access to her prior poetry website – with only a few
poems she reposted on her new one – the earliest poem in this current sequence
came in August 2011, a few months prior to her becoming employed at our office,
and perhaps best describes her mindset at that moment, coming out of one
deplorable situation with the hope of a new beginning – although the poem has
the same air of despair some of her later poems would display.
But it also gives a bit of insight into the person behind
the masks, the poet who we never usually get to meet, a bit of her real self,
glimpsed as she shifts from one shell to another.
This poem seems to support the concept that she thrives in a
group setting and does not do as well when unemployed or not a member of a
collective of some sort.
Left to her own resources, she becomes despondent.
This poem is about the illusion of seeking peace and quiet.
She may crave relief from external turmoil, but the void is always filled by an
even more intense internal turmoil.
The nothing stretches out and silence becomes sound from
within because she has nothing to do, and her sense of reality is tied to what
she does (as said in her essays on her European trip) and her belief in what is
true (this is about her believe in what is right and true) and her occupation.
Without an occupation, she seems to lack strength to continue.
She needs a platform through which she can trickle up. It is
also what allows her to pass the time.
Ironically, the more time she has on her hands, the less
functional she feels.
Also ironic is the fact that self-doubt is often drowned out
by the din of conflict as she trickles up in the work place.
As bad as things might get in other settings, the emptiness
of non-functioning is worse. She isn’t disciplined and the lack of purpose
always hurts her.
This is not about money. She needs to be where she can work
her way up the ladder and feel important. (this may also be true when the work
place becomes stagnant and she finds there is nowhere to tickle up to, as may
be the case now with the virgin mayor, and she rapidly becomes isolated even in
the work place).
This is the pattern of her life, and the reason why she may
cling to a bad situation, knowing her inability to thrive without some kind of
structure.
It must have been quite a relief when she landed a job with
the Virgin Mayor within two months of having resigned our office and part of
her great fear of what might happen if the virgin mayor is forced to resign.
But I also get the sense that she is becoming more isolated
even in that environment, a somewhat pointless appendage tolerated by those
around her, but not respected in the way she wants and perhaps deserves.
She talks a lot about stepping stones, our office being one,
and no doubt the Virgin Mayor being another. But what if the next stepping
stone is slightly out of reach?
All this comes at a time when she is struggling with her
cancer, and her failed romance.
That little girl nobody knows inside her hermit crab shell must
indeed be terrified.
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