Although she appears to have gone up onto the internet yesterday, she did not post a poem.
For a time, she posted weekly, but has since drawn back from that, and the gap between her last two postings was so long, I thought she had stopped.
Her on line contributions have been the only contact I have had with her since mid-October when she left our office, but the tone of them has changed since the confrontational ones she posted to me in mid-Summer, more enlightening, even confessional although confession is the wrong word since I sense no contrition in her poetry, just resignation.
Summed up in a few words her last four poems essentially spoke first of her deserving to be among the great artists – rising above self doubt, then how she got into prostitution, and then her resignation from dating and the constant testing of love or affection, and lastly, her reasons for hooking up with RR – a desperate call for affection which she nearly forgot she needed.
The gap in posting of poems during the last two weeks may have been a kind of punishment for my daring to post comments about her on Facebook – even though, they were positive. We both knew we still had a connection there, but she cut it off once I pushed it too far in saying what a great writer she was to a mutual friend, leaving her poems as the last connection, one that she maintains for some reason.
While not every poem she has posted was directed at me, many of them are, written so cleverly that I have to read between the lines to realize it, often repeating something I have said in one of my poems or emails, or later, repeating some accusation she made about me.
Why she uses this form of communication is a mystery, perhaps she sees it as a challenge, knowing that I’m one of the few people who can get what she is saying.
Perhaps she is using it as a trap, daring me to try and use this information against her openly, so that she can – in her brilliant use of passive aggressive – deny it and out me as a stalker.
Perhaps, she needs to say these things to someone she has no one else she can say them to, or even to admit to any of it more openly.
It is possible, too, that she is scared of something, or someone, something I suspected might be possible, and that behind the scenes someone, maybe RR, maybe others, control her, have her by the throat to do what they wish, and she cannot speak to me or anyone else without fear of retribution.
This may explain why she freaked out each time I spoiled one of her schemes, and why she cut me off so completely from the start – although she simply needed to end things so that I was no longer in her life to maintain her control.
If others have control of her, then she would be afraid to maintain any communication for fear they might think she said something else to me that they didn’t want said.
Frankly, I don’t believe this last – and think that she is simply struggling to maintain control of her confidence game, and that she has a good thing going with RR that she doesn’t want to risk.
Perhaps he is jealous or afraid of me.
Perhaps she honestly wants me out of her life so that she can get the affection she needs to feed on and the status she feels she deserves.
Then why maintain the poetry?
Why not simply cut me off entirely, and not make this poetic statements?
Perhaps, she tries, staying away from it as long as she can, but like any artist who knows she has an audience, gets drawn back to it?
Perhaps it is a matter of control that she is throwing tidbits out at intervals just to keep me (or someone else) lingering nearby without ever intending to reel me in, knowing I am out here, playing just one more game of control in that she knows this is one place I can’t resist going to either.
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