Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Suicide note




Sometimes,
The only thing I really want
Is a way out,
The fact that I wear
Doesn’t seem to suit me
It crinkles in the wrong places
It laughs at the wrong jokes
It tells stories it thinks
I need to survive

I wear to selves these days
One on the inside
Watching and waiting,
The second on the inside,
Hungry and impatient
Caught in a net of importance
And it is this self
This gross misinterpretation of me
That people see
I cringe in here
And listen to it speak

It says things about me
Which are never true
It preaches and bullshits
In the same bloated breath
Making me live my life
Inside out,
With my wishes and dreams
Exposed surrealistically
On my face
Contorting my image
And sometimes
I see you laugh
At its foolishness
And cringe from its
Egocentricities
I watch it offend you
At the same time
It hurts me

But I don’t always
Know my twin
I can’t always see
When it wavers
From the simple
Single self
Which I had
Always planned
I see you react.
I see the touch
Of disbelief in your eyes
Stinging me
Angering my twin
And then
I guess what my twin
Has done
But it’s hard
It is the sound and fury
On it’s not Christ

Sometimes
I read Durkheim
For the quick way out
A turn of the gas key and sleep
But public service has raised its rates
And I can’t make the payment
I can’t raise the courage
For that or the couch
So here I am,
The silent majority
And oh,
How small I feel in this
Large, large
Bloated house

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