More than a whole year later, and it only begins to dawn on me just why she said what she said back when we first got together, and also perhaps explains what she is trying to do in continue to post her poetry.
I recalled how shocked I was with just how up front she was in regard to her sexuality, especially when she talked about her use of a hair brush in one cast, and her need to get her share of dick, or how powerful she felt when she used a strap-on. The most disturbing of these was the night – after parting from me – she went to a local pub where she picked up a young rapper, who admitted he had been (wrongfully) charged with rape. She assured the affair meant nothing to her, just working things out sex.
I think now she must have been shocked about my feeling shocked back then.
It occurs to me today how much she needed someone she could trust to stay things to, someone trustworthy, unjudgmental, a role I clearly failed to live up to n expectations.
This may well be the case in regard to her poetry – even some of the more hatful verses, such as the forgiveness poem last summer.
With the exception of a few samples of her poetry posted prior to 3010, I know little of the tone or purpose of what she wrote before. But those poems posted prior or our association in early 2012 (on her current blog), her poetry showed an intense isolation (poems I’ll look at more closely shortly.
Starting with a poem she wrote about my eye patch, she seemed to be entrusting what may be the deepest secrets of her life, a vision of her vision of the world from the inside out.
She seems to need to tell these things to someone, even when it remains unclear as to whom precisely she is speaking.
Sometimes, it is clear, she is speaking to me.
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