Love to be loved June 21, 2014

  

I have yet to make up my mind as to whether her healing blog is designed to impress somebody --perhaps her therapist -- or is a means of cleaning up her public reputation after having undergone the most damage perhaps in her life

She spent several days this week at a retreat along the Hudson River where she gets to meditate. she apparently goes there after each collapse and went there for the first time 6 years ago when she broke away from the band and moved into a New York village

Then she went there just after she got forced to resign from our office and Autumn 2012

Her going there now this week suggests that she is still deep in the crisis and grasping for answers she hopes retreat will provide

She said there are pockets of silence there and that during her previous visits bothered her. At the time she had difficulty doing yoga or meditating her compacted class schedule disagreed with other students’ meals hunger etc.

But this time she said she felt content with the silence. It is something she is worked very hard for and  while it is brief and small relative to the usual hamster brain going on inside of her that she sometimes quiets down-- but is always there

At this point we get a bit of her self-reflection with her honest or not I can't tell

She says she now knows she has changed fundamentally permanently wonderfully the changes are both monumental and not

She shared a meditation class that asked if she was able to face the full range of human emotion without fear.

 sure she said before the class began she has experience in every emotion and spades especially over the last few months but then they began to explore the concept of desire and she started to cry.

At which point she began to realize that desire was the driving force behind her struggles that was her life mission not to have any -- if it meant wanting what you never get or meant being ridiculed or hurt for having it.

It meant rumblings in a body she hated for food and sex which meant interaction with people. She feared gaining weight taking up too much space asking for what she fundamentally did not believe she deserved

In all this there is an intense self-deception. She never broke from desire and believed she deserved more than she actually did, doing everything possible to become important without feeling as if she was being blamed for wanted too much.

She often lost it because someone can confront her and cast her out and most of the reason for this show of curing maybe to prove to someone else that she has changed when underneath she remains the same intensely uncertain person she started as

All of this is again a repeat of what she did previously after her supposed miracle cure from cancer. She is reinventing herself and issuing these press releases to show someone else how she has reformed

she said she doesn't want desires

 It is safer to stay away and yet she is so full of it she can hardly breathe. She starved it away and has become a master of ignoring it

But it's largely always there

it is not even complex; she is simple

but  she has impossible desires. She wants to love fully and to be loved in returned; She wants to be held to, made love to and feel safe to be free from her own mind.

This as with the previous admission is apparently extended to influence someone who has made some kind of judgment on her and she is telling that person she isn't as bad as it appears, a slight of hand perhaps for a woman who wants openly admitted she trickled up to obtain power

There's a lot of rhetoric in here: her as warrior and being up for the challenge of life.

Suddenly her meditation brings a revelation,  the determination to make even more progress in the future

The big question of course is what does she mean by progress?

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One size fits all? April 17, 2014

  

I keep thinking of the shelves in her bedroom on which she keeps her jeans, each separated by size like in a department store, like a roulette wheel she spins each morning to see which jeans will fit today, praying (to some imaginary god) it was be the same as yesterday, or more miraculously, a size or two less, her life measured not in tea spoons but in waist size and conspicuous consumption she must regurgitate to keep it all the same, and I wonder if she takes an accounting each night, measuring where she is against all the ill prospects morning will bring, and who she think she sees in the mirror when she brushes her teeth before sleep, does she dream of it, the incredibly shrinking woman, hoping to wake up small, as if in one of those 1950s horror movies she must relive day into night, then into day again, an Alice in her how humble wonderland who must reduce herself to fit through the keyhole into a world she hopes to fi into, one pill making her larger, another smaller, whole the pills mother gives her don’t do anything at all.

 

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Always on the ledge April 21, 2014

  

She is always standing on a ledge, even if she can’t always see it, a perpetual vertigo she knows one wrong step will cause her to plunge – a metaphor rooftop she can’t seem to be able to climb down from, as if chained to it, with only one avenue of escape, down, down into the abys – all those late night photos she takes with her cell phone, her face prominent, the back drop of the street below, her life as tied to this as any Gods on the top where birds peck or that poor soul rolling the stone up one side to have it roll down the other for her to start all over again. She clings to her ledge like old films of peril with Pauline, filmed not far from where she’s perched, she clings to the ledge, one false move might bring her doom, and yet she says: “Don’t try to save me.”

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After the fact April 19, 2014

  

Two years after the fact, I still cherish those early moments, even if as I believed for a time, she might have been using me, only for to conclude I was a broken escalator incapable of transporting her to where she wanted to go.

Two years later, after all the ups and downs, I still cherish the memory of it, the potential of something that would never leave to anything, and yet, felt good to think it might have, the bump and grind of a moving stair that – in its fits and starts –left us largely where we started, with no hope to go on or go back.

Two years after the fact, I still wish it had, that I could have given her the boost she needed, even if where she ended up was not with me.

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A fond fairwell? June 19, 2014

  

If it's true that the poem is really written for RR then it suggests a lot of what she did a lot of things for him during her time on our office.

And perhaps she actually had connected with him prior to our office employing her and appears to have maintained her relationship with him until early in 2013  -- maybe afterwards

But some of her writing suggests she might have had second thoughts after the breakup

All this does not stop her from trickling up with others during that period too and she may even have used him to eventually get to the Virgin mayor

But she appears to be most closely connected with Joey d currently and who like RR has become an expatriate from the Virgin mayor's town

Joey d has moved down to the peninsula City and apparently has landed a future job there

RR was not fired at the parking authority director as I first thought, he resigned

Nobody knows why although there are reports of misappropriate funds

All agree however RR would not have left without putting up a fight and if they did not have him dead to rights

the fact that she and he got their jobs with the Virgin mayor about the same time and lost their jobs within a few months of each other may not be merely a coincidence

At some point they had a falling out as lovers though they still talked to each other the way she does with our temporary boss and the owner

the poem posted early this week suggests he went back to the old tricks he briefly discarded when working for the Virgin Mayor.

Our poet, while still employed at our office apparently tried to get one of his compatriots named as the county prosecutor, one more windmill he could not defeat, when the Neighboring Mayor managed to get his girlfriend the job instead.

Her poem about RR suggests he is self-deluded, ignoring the fact that she once bought into the same snake oil he is selling.

The poem implies his hunger for power is even more important than his relationship with her

While the poem provides no evidence to suggest she might be blaming RR for her demise and getting her caught up in his petty schemes.

The kindly told of the poem suggests her continued fondness for RR

 

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Seeking his approval Jan. 8, 2025

 

I never brought her here to seek his approval the way I had all the other women I claimed to have loved.

she might not have come had I asked, too long a trip West to where he had set up his last days of his life in a trailer, having been cast out from the library he loved also with the passing mother who had been his biggest supporter

Maybe I was scared then, this woman this poet would fall for him the way all the other women had before he,  and now she is gone and he beyond anyway to meet him again and I return here to the old library then to the new one down the road, briefly pausing before the house on the lake where he had lived and where I had always brought the women I loved

And I wonder, would it have made any difference in the outcome had I tried to bring her here and she agreed to come?

Perhaps only in my mind.

 

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Jousting with windmills June 16, 2014

  

She posted the first poem in months and it's difficult to tell who she wrote it to although it clearly suggests some kind of friction with someone

 my best guess is that it is written for RR although it could be any one of other people including our former temporary boss, me or, any of those she deals with day in and day out in her old job

 it also deals with the pointlessness of continued conflict and how deluded the subject of the poem is

 it also comes at a time when she is struggling to regain her foot hold somewhere

It is clearly about the aftermath of some ongoing conflict and focus on someone who apparently doesn't know when to quit

She tends to be more upfront in her poetry than in her essays.  this because she can disguise the truth in convoluted metaphors, creating the necessary distance she needs to feel safe

the almost sympathetic tone to the poem suggests this is not written about me

She is talking to someone she cares about and whom she has tried to help or at least direct towards some positive goal and watches him going back to his old unwise and misguided ways

She watches him go off back to war, a true crusader, alone, doing battle possibly with windmills, back to war with himself, a struggle that wears him out and leaves him too weary to even remember why he went to war in the first place and what he thinks he needs to fix and what he sees as wrongs he needs to make right

she calls it the “wrong thought life” with wrong thought dreams that steer them always in the wrong direction

 his dreams, she claims, are fundamentally flawed, dreams he wears like medals that drag him down and makes a rut out of which he cannot climb and the more trapped he becomes the more loudly he tells people there's nothing wrong with his vision

 but she says he really knows better and sees this in her eyes but she is not strong enough to make him stop or pause or seek a truce to find peace he craves more than life or guilt or even her

this could be about anyone even someone I do not know.

 it clearly is about someone who she has dealt with for long enough to see the pattern of his life. someone filled with passion for justice even if this is misconceived

this excludes people like the temporary boss or owner or the virgin mayor none of them have real passion except perhaps for temporary boss but his is not only misguided but so full of loathing and it hardly fits the heroic statute of the poem implies

But it does fit RR to whom she attached herself at some point in 2011 and appears to have severed ties with romantically at least when she got her job for the Virgin mayor in early 2013 yet maintains contact with even when she went on medical leave and early 2014

She may have tried to reconnect with RR after his falling out with the Virgin mayor and found him embroiled in his own war, leaving no room for her

 she has since become wiser to his delusions but still has affection for him it does not want to get sucked up again in his fantasy world

It appears that she grew out of that when she trickled up to the Virgin mayor or somebody else in his administration in early 2013 and can't go back to playing as RR’s groupie

RR has even less the offer now that he has been fired from the parking authority and he goes back to his make up life as a crusader

 when she started with him he was a good stepping stone to the next stage of power. now he is a step down perhaps more than one step as she pointed out in one poem a while ago she has only gone back once in her life

This, of course, follows an essay post the day before and talked about a dream she had in some Cafe whose people buzzing around her

 she wasn't quite sitting, she wrote, hovering between floor and ceiling looking down at the scene which at the same time she participated in she felt warm and a part of things and her boyfriend (whoever he was ) stood behind her she leaned into him heard his breathing

 it soothed her as she began to realize that she did not belong there and that these were not her friends. this was not her life she didn't even know the man's name

She woke up then it was 4:30 a.m. and she was panicked over her lack of job

She is suffering an identity crisis, she concluded well she doesn't have a job or boyfriend she also isn't yet in the middle of a major crisis

the loneliness is hitting her pretty hard as she grumbled at all the happy couples

 she's a bit depressed, anxious

 it's nothing new and it's nothing like it was four months ago

 what is new is that she doesn't have anything to blame it on anymore

so now her head is searching for a reason why everything isn't peachy

She supposed as she always does that at this isn't a juncture

 she's afraid it's not going to shift, that she'll be stuck there half in and half out of hell forever

 she can't deal with that thought

she needs movement. it's an adjustment to not be extreme in some fashion, extremely overworked, in an extreme crisis, extreme Ed

she still molding the life she wants for herself she's still working on making more social connections.  she's still working on liking herself not quite recovered not quite suffering not quit. Unemployed, not quite alone, not quite sold on her derivativeness or ability to do this life in a way that makes her happy

 

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