She posted the first poem in months and it's difficult to
tell who she wrote it to although it clearly suggests some kind of friction
with someone
my best guess is that
it is written for RR although it could be any one of other people including our
former temporary boss, me or, any of those she deals with day in and day out in
her old job
it also deals with
the pointlessness of continued conflict and how deluded the subject of the poem
is
it also comes at a
time when she is struggling to regain her foot hold somewhere
It is clearly about the aftermath of some ongoing conflict
and focus on someone who apparently doesn't know when to quit
She tends to be more upfront in her poetry than in her
essays. this because she can disguise
the truth in convoluted metaphors, creating the necessary distance she needs to
feel safe
the almost sympathetic tone to the poem suggests this is not
written about me
She is talking to someone she cares about and whom she has
tried to help or at least direct towards some positive goal and watches him
going back to his old unwise and misguided ways
She watches him go off back to war, a true crusader, alone,
doing battle possibly with windmills, back to war with himself, a struggle that
wears him out and leaves him too weary to even remember why he went to war in
the first place and what he thinks he needs to fix and what he sees as wrongs
he needs to make right
she calls it the “wrong thought life” with wrong thought
dreams that steer them always in the wrong direction
his dreams, she
claims, are fundamentally flawed, dreams he wears like medals that drag him
down and makes a rut out of which he cannot climb and the more trapped he
becomes the more loudly he tells people there's nothing wrong with his vision
but she says he
really knows better and sees this in her eyes but she is not strong enough to
make him stop or pause or seek a truce to find peace he craves more than life
or guilt or even her
this could be about anyone even someone I do not know.
it clearly is about
someone who she has dealt with for long enough to see the pattern of his life.
someone filled with passion for justice even if this is misconceived
this excludes people like the temporary boss or owner or the
virgin mayor none of them have real passion except perhaps for temporary boss
but his is not only misguided but so full of loathing and it hardly fits the
heroic statute of the poem implies
But it does fit RR to whom she attached herself at some
point in 2011 and appears to have severed ties with romantically at least when
she got her job for the Virgin mayor in early 2013 yet maintains contact with
even when she went on medical leave and early 2014
She may have tried to reconnect with RR after his falling
out with the Virgin mayor and found him embroiled in his own war, leaving no
room for her
she has since become
wiser to his delusions but still has affection for him it does not want to get
sucked up again in his fantasy world
It appears that she grew out of that when she trickled up to
the Virgin mayor or somebody else in his administration in early 2013 and can't
go back to playing as RR’s groupie
RR has even less the offer now that he has been fired from
the parking authority and he goes back to his make up life as a crusader
when she started with
him he was a good stepping stone to the next stage of power. now he is a step
down perhaps more than one step as she pointed out in one poem a while ago she
has only gone back once in her life
This, of course, follows an essay post the day before and
talked about a dream she had in some Cafe whose people buzzing around her
she wasn't quite
sitting, she wrote, hovering between floor and ceiling looking down at the
scene which at the same time she participated in she felt warm and a part of
things and her boyfriend (whoever he was ) stood behind her she leaned into him
heard his breathing
it soothed her as she
began to realize that she did not belong there and that these were not her
friends. this was not her life she didn't even know the man's name
She woke up then it was 4:30 a.m. and she was panicked over
her lack of job
She is suffering an identity crisis, she concluded well she
doesn't have a job or boyfriend she also isn't yet in the middle of a major
crisis
the loneliness is hitting her pretty hard as she grumbled at
all the happy couples
she's a bit depressed,
anxious
it's nothing new and
it's nothing like it was four months ago
what is new is that
she doesn't have anything to blame it on anymore
so now her head is searching for a reason why everything
isn't peachy
She supposed as she always does that at this isn't a
juncture
she's afraid it's not
going to shift, that she'll be stuck there half in and half out of hell forever
she can't deal with
that thought
she needs movement. it's an adjustment to not be extreme in
some fashion, extremely overworked, in an extreme crisis, extreme Ed
she still molding the life she wants for herself she's still
working on making more social connections. she's still working on liking herself not
quite recovered not quite suffering not quit. Unemployed, not quite alone, not
quite sold on her derivativeness or ability to do this life in a way that makes
her happy
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