I can’t get passed the idea that she yanked down the poem again.
It means something, although I’m not sure quite what.
As with Circa 2003 poem, she may have said something too openly, and felt uncomfortably exposed, a raw nerve standing out for anybody to see.
I couldn’t help mentioning my issues with her to a former writer for our paper, who had been fired nine months before she came to our office, and so had no knowledge of her, but a fresh set of ears that – unlike our former temporary boss – had no personal agenda to worry about.
This reporter showed up out of the blue to “talk” to me, and I pretty much laid out the whole picture for him – including mentioning that poem.
As with several other former writers for our office, the R campaign had approached him.
He said he declined the job and did not go into the details.
Maybe the two incidents are unrelated, and since this reporter has no love for our owners, he would not likely be carrying tales back to them or others who might be connected to this mess.
But would he tell candidate R, and would candidate R relay the information to his campaign manager, who is our poet’s boss?
Most likely, she yanked the poem because it made her feel uncomfortable having it linger in the ether like a criminal confession?
Was this the second time? I’m not doubting myself, knowing that I saw the poem before on her site in the past – only I can’t find it there either, or where she apparently recently reposted it.
Perhaps I mistook seeing it back then, but not this time. This time I took a screenshot of it.
It was there; now it isn’t.
Just like with the one-eyed jack poem from when we first met.
Perhaps, she saw the poem as being too open, unlike many of her other poems in which she says things in such a way as they can’t be used as evidence against her.
This poem was pretty blatant, so that even the least poetic among her audience might well understand what she means when she says, “trickle up.”
I read the poem to our former writer, and he might serve as witness for me if I had to call in a favor. But who would believe him, and I’m not sure I can trust his memory, if I somehow wound up in the position, I was last summer with my job on the line, or the now-former public safety director coming after me after she sold him on the idea of me being her latest stalker.
Unfortunately, this former writer for our office might not be a credible witness since while he was employed with us, he was accused of stalking as well – which he actually did.
Perhaps, the poem was a test in first place, posted as if to get a reaction from me, and to see if I might use it as leverage with the owners to prove my case (which is still pending to some degree – though we’ve stepped away from the tipping point of last July when our former temporary boss encouraged me to confess my sins with the hope I might get fired.)
At one point, I suspected she told me those salacious stories to shock me and test my reaction, something (after having read most of her poetry) I no longer believe.
Was Trickle up an attempt to draw me out of hiding, to get me to say something stupid or something she could use to support her claim of stalking against me?
A year ago, I would have suspected the worst. Now, I’m not so sure, though she has gone through a number of mood swings in these pieces, and some of them seem like angry poems aimed at me, even this late, after no contact for almost ten months.
Her poems over the last few months jumped from nasty to nice and back again.
She clearly knows I read her poetry. But I seriously doubt she would be trying to make me jealous by posting love poems to other men.
There are times when I think she is sincerely trying to communicate, using the poems as a kind of code I can unravel when many others around her can’t.
This, however, may be wishful thinking, and she posts her poems for anybody to read, leaving it up to us to get their meaning if we can.
She’s been very clever to this point about keeping below the radar, although I think her trickle up poem said things, I did not expect her to say, admitting what she does if not why, and I suspect someone may have pointed this out, or she had second thoughts and yanked the poem again hoping we all might forget what it said.
She might also be cleaning house, getting rid of something that might get used against her as she moves into some new phase of her life.
The problem is, the more she makes moves like this, the more obvious it becomes that she has something to hide, although ultimately, the pattern of her life to date has always left her right where she started.
At some point she will actually find stability and a place where she can function without needing to protect herself to such a degree.
But this is not that day, and she swims with sharks, leaving her little option but to keep from giving anybody anything they can use against her – even a tiny poem like this.
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