Apparently, she has found a ray of hope finally if you can believe her latest poem, an extremely ironic and at the same time provocative poem about the possibility of redemption.
Redemption might be the wrong word. Rebirth fits better, in a particular way, however.
After significant emotional ups, and mostly downs, this poem indicates some sense of leveling off, and a possibility of salvaging a relationship she previously assumed as lost.
In the space of a day, she seems to have swung from complete despair to hopefulness, not just for herself, but also her companion.
Is it possible to return to a state of innocence – a re-conception, prior to the bite of the apple that sent her life into a tail spin and the much hoped for relationship into ruin.
The poem makes heavy use of one of the most controversial elements of the Christian faith – God’s impregnation of the Virgin Mother.
It’s use in this poem in reference to herself is ironic when she makes reference to her “wanton” times, and yet plays well in the Christian mythology in which Christ never judged even the most wanton of his followers.
And the central question of the poem (discarding Madonna’s Like a Virgin) is whether or not she can start over, Eve before the fall.
But it is also about the potential to save the relationship and perhaps if she reinvents herself, she can still rescue something she has worked hard to develop in the first place.
The most telling word in the concept is the word “us,” even when it is unclear whether or not her change can accomplish the larger change – it is merely a poem about hope.
The poem opens with a reference to some coincidence that has challenged her well-found cynicism which seems to betray her as “all wanton times,” meaning that she leaps back into the romantic fray and belief when she feels lust or longing for love.
This is some kind of meaningful coincidence that undermines her usual cynicism. The use of the word wanton suggests strong sexual urges and is tied strongly to the concept of immaculate conception
And yet this coincidence was “presented to her” in the concept of the immaculate conception.
Her cynical reaction saying, “immaculate? Perhaps. Conceived in a way that most would deign to think believes the very counter nature of itself.”
This meaning to conceive, you gotta have sex, and the whole idea of immaculate conception defies nature.
“But still, the way I want things to be,” she writes, “in a way I was frightened to think could continue to present itself to be.”
This again alludes back to her earlier poem about keeping love/lust boxed up. It’s just not natural or for that matter sustainable. At the same time, it is very pure.
She admits the paradox. But the answer may be in the build up of poems that has led to this dramatic change, the earliest of which struggled not to act on her impulses to get involved with a married man, and the ultimate succumbing and eventually the falling from grace, perhaps the ejection from that garden of Eden.
Then, now, she was presented with an alternative way to be, one that cannot help her feel reinforces “what I want us to be.”
Temporarily setting aside the religious references, perhaps biblical over tones, the poem seems to make reference perhaps to another conversation with her lover that helped suspend some of her disbelief and instilling in her the possibility of a future with him.
You can’t possibly ignore the heavy religious overtones of the poem, and the less obvious, but equally strong sexual references.
She questions the idea of immaculate conception – which to the Christian faith says that Mary did not know carnal knowledge to become pregnant with Christ. She was impregnated by God, not her husband, Joseph.
For her, the poet who gets consumed by passion during moments of wanton times and apparently is seduced by the possibly of love, this is an extreme contradiction, and unnatural, and yet somehow attractive.
Sex is a pandora’s box or perhaps it is more the concept of love she hopes to restore as if restoring virginity.
Perhaps this alludes back to the earlier poem when she tried to keep love (or lust) contained in her mind, thus preserving its purity. And yet, this poem suggests that she was frightened it would end up that way, -- I suspect meaning unfulfilled.
As best as I can make out, this romance came to fruition, and ultimately fell apart, and this poem appears to be a resurrection, and an attempt to start over, attempting perhaps to restore the sense of purity that first made the relationship attractive.
Somehow in the midst of disaster, “despite the fear, despite the unknow, despite the unknowingness, I was shown an alternative way to be… given a glimpse of a sign and of the sun (son of god?)” reenforcing what she wants their relationship to be.
Something happened on the day she wrote this poem that showed her another way to see this all again, despite the unnaturalness of the concept, and perhaps hinting here of previous disappointments
There is a cryptic piece about the first words to a book she wanted to write, but rejected, unable to see the point or the value (the book of love?) Perhaps, I guess, she means the words “I love you,” which read in soft tones, growled in essence, renewed her faith (in God, in love, in whatever), a precariously tattered faith that clings to her despite past experiences, and this showed her that even her doubt was not as firmly implanted in her as she might have previously believed.
And because of this, she moves ahead, again bringing the immaculate conception, suggesting perhaps their act of love, which both of them bore, and the possibility that the relationship she previously thought doomed, is not.
So, what is this new faith she “plows into a new day” with, which is not an end, or even her end, but apparently a beginning?
There is a vague allusion to Christ’s rebirth, and the phrasing at the last that might come right out of religious ritual – (now and forever amen.)
She clearly wants to love, pure love, what love used to be, and believes she’s found a way to get back to that place when her love (filled with its lusts) seemed pure, and with this, she hopes to revive that passion with which the whole affair started.
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