I have to be careful of wishful thinking and reading into things she posts.
Some of her poems strike me in a particular way, and I go off pondering them as if they have more personal meaning when I know they don’t.
This is especially true when it comes to her music, most of which was – fortunately – created long before I first heard them, about all the previous loves of her life.
But once in a while, she throws a curve ball, by writing or recording a new song, which – early on last year I wondered maybe…
As far as I know she has written or recorded only two maybe three songs over the last year, with the rest from before her first solo performance live in 2007, some dating back to when she still considered herself a folk singer and prior to when her husband helped produce them into something spectacular.
None of the four, original or covers done since last April had anything to do with me but seem more a reflection of where she was at any particular time – including that time last May when someone gave her a guitar and she eased back to that folk phase during her days before and during college.
The one original song she wrote and recorded last July was on the anniversary of her friend, who had committed suicide, a powerfully moving piece that still haunts me when I hear it.
This week she posted another song, the first (as far as I know) since last July.
This song also deals with regret about not being able to get back to what she once was, perhaps reflecting on that moment on the cruise with the old lady who changed the direction of her life forever.
More likely, it continues the pattern established with her poetry over the last month or so, and the love affair that went sour, since some of the lyrics seem to echo some of the lines, she expressed in her love poems.
Such as her being in the dark and her lover appearing as “a small but blinding spark that put life back into view,” a reverberation of an earlier poem that also painted her lover as a spark in her life.
In the song, she also says she didn’t want to have anything to do with love, also reflecting that poem in which she hesitated about getting involved, and yet over the course of several more poems, she plunged into the relationship anyway – something also reflected in this song when she sang, “But there is was, and I’m scared because it’s far too late for any of this to undo.”
And she makes is clear she wishes she didn’t exist or wasn’t in her life since for most of her life she had convinced herself being blue was how it had to be.
Darkness was her friend – against echoing an earlier poem – but now she doesn’t know what to do.
The song suggests but doesn’t go into detail about the falling apart that occurred but alluded to the distance that has grown between them, he being “so far, far away” and she has to learn to appreciate gazing at him as if at a star that was born to fade.
She has clearly reached a point of what might have been and that it was a love doomed from the start.
Oddly enough, she recently posted a picture on her Facebook page staring over the top of a book “The Wizard of Oz,” suggesting maybe there might be hope still if she clicks her heals three times,
You can’t help but envy the target of these poems and feel just a pang of jealousy over the intensity of the love she expresses for this man.
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