(written early February 2013)
Something is definitely amiss in Oz, if my readings of her posts from her Facebook site are any indication.
Again, I’m not sure why she opened her account to the public again after panicking a few weeks go when she discovered we were connected.
Perhaps she feels safe and that I no longer have access to see her public postings but needs to site to send messages to one of her other victims.
She is fully aware that I read her poetry postings on her blogger account, and perhaps tailors each to specific people.
But in some ways, both poetry and Facebook communicate similar messages, although Facebook appears to be saying it more openly – although not too directly – and appears to suggest that there has been a significant change within her enclave, although just what this is, I can’t say.
Two of her more recent poems from the blogger site hinted at some change, and conflict, but it is not possible to know from them what transpired.
This change was reflected in a poem posted on Dec. 19, in which she talks about the frustration of the social games people play.
“All seems a bunch of crap to me,” she wrote. “You can say, as you sit alone and once again alone, `At least I took the proper steps,’ seems awfully flat and cold to me. This does not a true love make, in my own mind, at least, or maybe therein lies a fairy tale I do not believe anyway, so maybe I have spun one for myself. And at this stage in the so-called game, at a time when game-playing exhausts me, and I, of an ilk that does not naturally play these games at all, and if love is a game that must be won, and played so calculatedly to sustain, It's time, I think, to try and consider a life alone, or, at least, to learn to love myself and my instinct to stay away from all the play that doesn't feel like play at all. No games, no unclear and stagnant ritual, no stupid dancing around the beauty of the truth. For one who over thinks anything that can be thought, I think it's time to do.”
This signaled some dramatic event in her life that does not appear to have anything to do with me, although she had to be aware of my reading the poem when she posted it, since a number of the other poems she has posted were directed at me on some level.
This came just after her poem from back in 2003, suggesting that she has finally come to realize that she had been used by others she had an attachment, too, possibly RR.
Apparently, her attempt to “get into TV” supposedly a gig on NBC or CBS failed, and she was floundering for identity, and even went so far as to offer to do work for her mayor’s Chief Rival – although this may also have been a political ploy designed to undermine him the way she apparently did at our office for RR and the breakup with RR (if it indeed occurred) broke off this arrangement, and she scrambled for work again.
After almost a month of not posting, she put up the poem talking about turning towards the right direction when all else is failing and her need for affection which she almost forgot she needed. This seems to correspond to her getting a job as a secretary or press person in the Virgin Mayor’s office.
A she posted a few days later about waking up early in the morning in search of answers.
Four days later, she posted yet another nostalgic poem about her love of a famous professor in Columbia who she might or might not have had an affair with, but certainly admired, and emulated, and looking back to 2001 when she studied with him, she seems to be longing for the opportunities she had then but never materialized.
Then last Monday, she posted a poem in which she bemoans the fact that she must grab onto the short straws and the small calls of duty as what is, rather than the loftier road insisting on what should be.
This may well define some of the conflict between her and RR, where as he kept bullshitting her about great plans she had had, or it may simply be her acceptance of her job rather than the great schemes she imagined she deserves.
Since I don’t check any of her sites often, I’m not sure exactly when she made her Facebook page public again, but the first post was posted about the same time she was making reference to a chance to work together with good and dedicated people.
Again, she seems to be bemoaning her inability to achieve what she wants.
Ironically, I ran into the head of the shelter in the town I work in last Wednesday while covering a funding event there, and when I approached him for a quote and told him where I worked, he made reference to her, telling me “She’s really a great person.”
He had the same love-sick look I’ve seen on the faces other men when referring to her.
What exactly is transpiring in her life, in the office, or elsewhere is hard to tell, but she is clearly still in the middle of some drama that she is struggling to work out. One of her male friends on Facebook replied to her with a message of support “Just know you are not alone in this wild, wild world...no matter what.”
She replied about an hour later, “Thank you. Knowing we all go through the same thing keeps me going.”
At this point, the police director she had used to threaten me last summer came in asking “Holy Mackerel!! What's going on up there???”
Whether he meant her apartment or city hall, it’s hard to tell.
Although with posting of snow photos from out of her window, one of the church yard, another of her fire escape, she posted another Spanish quote
"Si te crias entre ladrones siempre piensas que todos te van a robar,” translated: “If you grow up between thieves you always think that they all are going to steal you.”
Assuming that she made her Facebook public to communicate with someone, and that someone is not likely me, what exactly is she saying here? Is she sending a message to RR or to herself, is she talking about her disappointment with his delusion or blaming her family for how paranoid she feels?
Hard to tell.
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