Again, I’m struck by the 11th hour, and how she feels it’s okay for her to come into a place of employment and trickle up to the top to eventually become boss, even when other people have been there before her and may have earned the right to be there instead of her.
Maybe I’m out of touch and this is really how the world works and I’ve simply been lucky to avoid it for most of my life.
I’ve always been the odd man out where ever I’ve worked, usually managing to position myself in a way that I’m not on the ladder of power and so there is no reason for an ambitious social climber to shove me out of the way.
Perhaps she thinks I’m a player, and that I want what she wants, and I have been playing a kind of chess with her, missing moves I ought to have taken, only accidentally stumbling into moves that have allowed me to survive.
I’m just smart enough to sense something was wrong here, and clever enough perhaps to avoid traps I should have fallen into and managed to make moves in this insane chess game nobody could have predicted.
I still don’t completely understand what exactly is going on, whether all this is part of some RR conspiracy or something personal that spun out of control, and somehow got intermingled with RR’s plans.
I don’t know how much of what she does here is conscious or is all that has happened really as she put it a product of her defensiveness against what she perceives as arrogance.
Her poetry seems to reflect an ongoing internal monologue, honest to a point, although perhaps self-deceiving. Her poetry does not reflect the stuff RR appears to be trying to pull, although her poem in February came at a crucial point when RR was again rejected for reinstatement to the police department. She wrote a long piece that possibly reflected him, and about him loving his wife, even though RR was on the verge of a break up and future divorce.
I might be reading a bit into this since her writing was a fictional account about a married man falling into the arms of a barfly who desired him, when he wandered into a bar he never intended to wander into.
It is difficult to know for sure what her motivation was in writing it, or if he was even the intended subject.
The hardest part of all of this is how little I actually know about any of it. I suspect things but can’t prove anything. But it is clear from several of her poems that she sees nothing wrong in any of it.
She clearly thinks she deserves what she’s clawed to get, despite the fact that in every case, she ends up failing.
No comments:
Post a Comment