She is almost like two people, the private person she portrays in poems, and the public persona that manufactures an invincible image, almost to the point of self-promoting. She is constantly bragging to the office gossips about her big plans and such.
I think that’s what may make me so dangerous in that I see past the masks sometimes, the other personalities exposed, some of these the victim she paints herself in poems, but at other times, the perpetually hungry soul, who has she said in yesterday’s poem “clawed” to get what she wants, and she lives in constant fear someone might take away from her.
She is clearly conscious of this side of herself, admitting it in poems at times, such as the poem in which she talks about trickling up, doing whatever it takes to get what she wants.
Love may even get in the way of her ambition, which may explain why she seems unhappy even after she announced she has a new boyfriend.
She claims she’s never cheated when involved, even though her ex-husband often accused her of doing so when they were touring with the band, suggesting love may be a burden to some seeking to make it to the top.
She also claims she doesn’t lie, which would handicap her even more if she’s telling the truth about not lying.
There is something very sad in all this, a kind of self-defeating pattern of behavior that takes away what she clawed her way to get, not just here, but everywhere she’s been, something always goes wrong, someone always takes back what she took, and she has to start from scratch again.
Yesterday’s poem shows her deep fear, and strategies to somehow not call attention to herself so she might succeed this time. If only she keeps her mouth shut, maybe “they” won’t notice her, even though she feels as if they are staring at her all the time.
She once accused me of staring at her at work, which I’ve been very conscious not to do since she claimed it.
But something has stirred up her old fears, and if not just me, then who else does she feel threatened by?
I thought everything would be better if I complied with her rules, and I have, and yet, she still feels threatened.
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