She asked me my name then closed the door and looked at me and I looked at her.
She was heavy at the bust in her swimming suit but her legs were too thin, making her look a little like a cartoon figure,I was nervous, fingering the $20 I had in my pocket, I had given her 40 already and I was scared, telling her I've never done anything like this before.
She smiled, perhaps other girls would have snapped at me. thinking that I was coming down on them, they would have said I ain't your priest,kid .
But not her, she liked her customers, sometimes they were even nice to her, she liked me a skinny kid and my nervous hands and the eyes I made at her she said I reminded her of her brother
But she didn't know where he was now, he'd moved away.
She nodded at me and then moved away from the door. the bed was covered with a fancy quilt, the dresser had her things laid out, I watched her move, a certain attractiveness in her lack of Grace like that of a farmer's daughter
I asked her what I should do now
Whatever you want to do, she said
I had an idea but it was afraid to say it out loud, I felt a little strange, awkward being there, feeling wrong, seeking this no matter how much I wanted it.
She teased me a little saying, you want something From me don't you,
I must have blushed.
You have to tell me what you want,she said, removing the strap from a bathing suit top.
I think she was surprised and maybe a little pleased by my shyness, she said we were rare breed these days, most other customers were rough and sometimes they hurt her.
She looked at my face, the way it flushed and when the top fell from her I filled the ache even more .
Have you ever been with a woman before, she asked.
I tried to nod and shake my head at the same time, clearly embarrassed and yet I did not want to admit my inexperience. she laughed, apparently finding this appealing
I guess I want .... I started
the words failing me and I indicated my crotch. she touched my shoulder. I jumped, panic in me, pain too. I didn't even know what I was doing here except that I had been drawn here. I had seen the ad in the back of the paper and followed it like a puppy and now that I was here I wanted to go. it was of course the matter of money, 40 bucks and another 20 in my pocket
what if I couldn't do it? I would I wasted the 60 bucks
You pay $40 down, my friend had told me, then 20 for the tip
that's all then it's heaven
At that moment, I couldn't tell the difference between heaven and hell, one second I was in agony, the next one was where the $20 came in
She suggested that I take off my clothing as she sat down on the edge of the bed, the rest of her bathing suit had vanished the invisible magazine parts revealed
It was not like looking at a magazine at all
She must have seen the disappointment in my eyes. it was the same old thing that she had gotten from an all along. they took her heart and stepped on it and the sons of bitches. she couldn't quite forgive that look even in someone as innocent as me.
she had a hole in her a mile wide, which men have been digging in her since her virginity she's never been a beautiful woman, so virginity went fast you didn't deny attention at 15 when you were as unattractive as she was
For her it may even have been love
So I could tell she no longer thought love as anything special, just the word men used like loose change with which they treat you or brought you
Or bribed you
Maybe shedid use her virginity back then as a hook and then later or lack of it, as a hook as well, now she had neither left, just the reliance on men's crotches to bring them here just as it it brought me
Let's get on with it we're wasting time she said, a little cooler you only have 20 minutes left
20 minutes I thought. what a joke, most men were through with her in 5 minutes and those that weren't couldn't get it done in a day
Her sudden coolness scared me
I presumed it was because of my lack of experience
my friend Ed was so swave. talking about sucking on this and that, but for me there was a tenderness here, even in the sagging rather wrangled body on the bed
the woman's eyes confused me they spoke of pain but the determined jaw and straight mouth were signs of strength or outrage
Get undressed, she told me and started to help me, pulling open the buttons of my shirt. one of these buttons came off in her hand and she stared at it.
It must have reminded her of another time, near enough the beginning to make her quiver when Love still had an edge to it, another man in a string of them not for night but for a week or month. the price then had been romance another name for money
Just get the pants off, she said, more gently, keeping the button and I imagine later during the encounter, thinking about how she was too damn old for collecting souvenirs
My love making atrocious, something akin to an armless worm, I couldn't even keep her interest except in that simplicity of it, here I was a child in her hands, only slightly older than when she finally given herself. how was it then
Could she even remember the first time, the pain rising in her crotch, blood and then finally hour after hour of tears, when that first man was gone
how silly and stupid she must have seen herself to think that love and sex had any connection, to believe all that crap about how it should be
I'm sorry I said
she smiled,pulling me closer
I stayed there, afraid to pull away and see maybe laughter in her eyes
I wasn't the stud that ed was
I wouldn't be able to face that either, the way they talked hour hour of this and I couldn't it, hurt as if someone had kicked me in the groin
Suddenly she was apologizing, still clutching the button in her hand, her voice was soft now, tender, she seemed to feel for me, understanding through repetition the kind of thoughts I was thinking
why should you be sorry, she asked
Well I didn't do it very good
She laughed gently
we all have to start somewhere, she whispered, clutching me close
then there was a pounding on the wall a man named Mr riggins let her know the time was up, telling her to cut it short, keep the traffic moving and I could see from the look in her eyes that she hated that old man.
I got up, got dressed, took the folder 20 and said here
No no you keep it, she said, I have my tip
she still clutched button.
No comments:
Post a Comment