Zen September 13, 2014

 

I press the button

And hear the distant sound

Of machines and cables
bringing up or down

The cage I need

This vertical lift

We ride to and from

Destinations marked out

On no road maps

The elevation marked
on no altimeter

But rather inside my head

Where I leave marks

Of my own importance

The way my uncles did

In pencil on the dinning room

Door frame when I was small

To see how much I’d grown

Though now I am no taller

Yet still need to measure

How high I stand,

If I have lost stature

And how to get it back if I have

Who I am reflected

Not in any mirror

But on the faces of those I see

Through the small window

Of my cage

As I travel floor by floor,

My life measured

In the groan of cables

Above and below

When all I really want

Is to be where I am

At any given moment,

Free of the need to be

High or low,

Rich or poor,

Powerful or powerless,

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Light and dark Nov 10, 2024

 

sharp sun light splits my world like a comic book mask, one side bright, the other side black, forcing me to choose what side I wish to reside in, when I can’t have both, scalding light, illuminating the path along this River but casts huge places into deep dark, no moderation here, not even the sore face of the water where the glints of sunlight is most intense, this path bringing me to the edge again, to the places full of memory, scorched out of my brain from too much glare, I follow along a trail I took  in less brittle days, my feet knowing where I've been even if I can no longer see it and must rely on my intuition to keep going and my memory of days when things were less divided. and those brief glimpses of Joy I recall and treasure, even if I can no longer see them

 

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Full moon September 09, 2014

It is hot and wet

When I get there

A moving target

That closes in

Around me

And shifts

This way, then that,

Up and down

And sideways

Until I’m drunk

On the movement

As any sailor

Something stirring

In the depth of me

I’ve not quite

Felt before,

A rising to the tides

As if you were a full moon,

And I change

On your account

This hard and soft of it

Commingled

And always shifting

Like wind driven beach sand,

As if to cease moving

Is to cease to exist

With me wrapped up

In all that you are,

The need of it

Burning in us both

Making it impossible

To breathe for whole moments,

As I hold onto your sides

This ride, this rise and fall,

This ache and release,

All there is to think about

Or feel,

The perfect Zen moment

When time stops

But we cannot.

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The real me Nov. 9, 2024

 

My shoes splash through mud left from a brief night time rain, sunlight glistening in each puddle as morning comes, and I rush off to places I'd rather not be, the endless ritual of routine that lacks meaning merely aids in survival, not of the fittest, just those who learn to comply, while inside as always, another shadow lurks, one that aches to break free too, violate something or someone, to find joy in being bad, the excess of who I am spilling out of me from every pore, the need to fill up all those holes and still have something left to do so again, the splash of my feet over muddy landscape, my shape perverted in the reflections of puddles disturbed by my passing, reflection of my real and distorted me, I keep locked up

 

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Brush fire September 04, 2014

Our fingers brush and something sparks

A device in me Tommy Edison barely imagined

Turbines turning with that first contact

And once begun unable to stop

I can barely move without feeling it poke me

From the inside out

So scalding I dare not touch it

Or expose it to air

Knowing that like phosphorous

It will explode into a flame I cannot contain

And barely kept quiet as I stagger around with it

A hobbling man with burning fingers

From a touch I never intended

But cannot take back,

I can’t even find the fuse that touch lit

Only hear its hissing inside my head

And sense its growth I cannot long handle,

Sitting or standing or stumbling around,
I can only suck at my finger tips

Like a child hoping to suck away the burn

Wishing I could taste something,

Wondering if the rumbling inside

Leads finally to something else.

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Deluded Sept 29, 2012

 

She says she doesn't hate all men, just some, then looks at me, we both carrying the baggage of love that might never have been love, just the shadow moving across our eyes, unsubstantial, mistaken shape we can maybe see for what it is, dare we step out of this cave to see what real love looks like in the light of day, or will we wilt under its scalding pressures as it unveils us, reveals the illusion we foolishly mistook as real, do we prefer the darkness, this Shadow, knowing it for what it is, yet preferring it to what otherwise brings discomfort, to face reality, to bear the scolding light, we must shed what we assumed, does her hatred to some men mean she already stepped out into the brightness of a light I cannot bear to see, as I remain here, deluded

 

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Milk and honey September 02, 2014

It is enough to fill you up,

I pour it all from the pitcher of milk

Into a glass filled half way with honey

I just don’t know when to top

To keep it from running over

And oozing down the sides.

I know don’t know if I can stop this

After having stoked this up

And caused it to flow,

You don’t stop a boulder

You set rolling down a hill

By running in front of it,

You just let it roll

Yet I feel run over by it anyway,

Feel each drip of milk

As it slips out the spout,

Wondering at what mixture it makes

When it makes with you

Do I stir it or let it settle?

Do I keep pumping it up?

And pour it in?

Should I ask you to taste it

To see if it tastes right?

And do I ask if anything else

Came come of this –

Some higher purpose

For all the energy we expend

The milkmaid and the milkman

Churching up this concoction

To make butter,

Or perhaps it is enough to church

Both letting the stone roll

Or the broth drip over

The edges.

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Flowers without thorns May 4, 2014

 

Not all flowers come with thorns, not all draw blood if gripped too tightly, this though, among so many other mental rumblings, coming into my head as I wake from bed, stiff, excited, yet warmed by the warm air spring brings, the new season firmly rooted after more than a month of dismal rain, pain bringing with it pleasure, if we endure enough, the dead roses from the dead of winter, replaced in part with other pleasures, other flowers, other of hearts, flowers with which we might never part, I think, as ease from sleep into the welcome warmer world, sunlight with its ever cheerful mood and always bright outlook, streaming through the window as I wake, partake the days refreshment, the rituals of morning giving away to those of the afternoon, the scent of New birth sweet and in part yet dark too, as if the turf out of which spring springs, no thorns to prick our fingers on yet just  not pure joy

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Laying it on thick (from My Little Book of E) ,August 31, 2014

I smear it on with both hands

Just for the excuse to lick it off

To feel the hard and soft of it,

To linger near the top

And delve into the bottom

To know it all with the best part of me

To taste what I touch,

To feel each inch of landscape

By having moved over it,

And I move slowly

As not to miss anything

Each flaw a treasure,

Each ripple a luxurious side trip

To fit with the tip or lip

As I move on,

There is always too much to

Take in all at once

Too many tiny places

To slip in and out of,

Too little time
to know as much as I should,

And like a road-weary tourist

I vow to explore this or that

On my next trip

Aching for the chance 

At least one more encounter,

Hoping beyond hope

That I have done enough

To deserve another lick

Smearing it all on so thick

I can’t possibly miss

My next try.

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Needing someone to rub against Feb 16, 2025

 

Heavy rain falls on my Sunday laundry ritual like a deluge, inside and out, a deep chill rising up from my bones and I can't get warm from, needing to rub against somebody to generate fire, the way boy scouts do with twigs, though you can't get fire from wet wood or old matches, and so I huddle in this doorway and wait for the storm to pass, the flick of drops pecking at the rim of my hat, at my face, at my eyes, smearing the world, confusing me with images of what is or what I want to be, the rain against me, no umbrella or memory can protect me from, needing a body to rub against, to Kindle a fire I know his long dead, stir up with hope of heat, enduring the rain and the pain of memory long gone

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Pointed shapes , September 18, 2014

The sudden chill

Brings out the best in you,

The pointed shapes

That haunts men’s dreams
even fully awake,

The nape of neck

The sudden fleck of wet

The lick that tips it all

Into so much more

And makes cripples

Of men like me

Who hobble on imaginary canes

We did not intend to create,

All too obvious

But not so easily contained,

When the chill air comes

We overheat, and seek

Just a little peek,

Or touch with the tips of fingers

We know will scald

Despite the cold,

Palms curled around

The whole of them,

While our minds plunge

Deep into places

We only dream

Of reaching

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Paradise Jan 9, 2015

Paradise is not all it's cracked up to be, love making in the afternoon, cuddles at night

The in and out ritual that means more than in the front door, the dark of night alone, the wish for arms and lips and hips, missing when needed most, the locked door, the people the fright of who might knock at night when all others have fled to other homes, other arms, other lips and hips, sometimes Paradise is a vacuum, the silence that resides when all the voices cease, the peace we seek when we need more than the rant and rave of imagined love. sometimes Paradise is being free of the bonds, the promises, the deception, sometimes Paradise is being alone

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The salty haze of uncertainty August 29, 2014

I breathe the scent of salmon

As the net scrapes against my thigh

And I think of you

And the sea we all sale in

Waiting for the mesh to drop

The panic in the up-churned waves

The up and down and sideways

That leaves us perpetually confused

As to which way we have come

Or where we should go,

The tight ropes that bind us

And scrap our sin with a mixture

Of pain and pleasure,

The lost of the unknown

Mingled with the lack of free will,

The prickly coarse entwinement

Containing us as the moist fingers

Beats around us and over us,

And yet we somehow remain secure,

Wanting sure hands to haul us in,

A warm touch to rub those limbs

Where the ropes chafed

To ease the ache with bliss

And until we cannot tell

Which is which, nor care,

Only that we are no longer lost,

No longer drowned

In the salty haze of uncertainty.

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that dark night in May May 3, 2014

 

 

I still kick myself for bringing card and candy to that bar -- that night when she took pity on me for my birthday but wanted to fuck the bartender instead of me, or perhaps an orgy with the German couple, when it was still odd man out, four is company, five is not allowed, that dark night in May when I got drunk on my own hormones instead of bottles of wine

 I still kick myself for not seeing it in advance, how unwelcome I was, how I ought not to have gone, let alone left early, abandoning her, even though she had already abandoned me

this idea we can fix things that are too broken to fix, no amount of magic able to bring the magic back

that night in May I can never forget but also will always regret. wishing I had seen it all coming

 

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Smoldering August 27, 2014

The leaves cling to the ground

With the first autumn rain

Skins slick with wet

As if churned from a summer’s sweat,

The rubbing of limbs

The moan of pressing trunks

The expired sigh of each breeze,

All lost in this afterglow

Of changing seasons

And the expected chill

That makes limbs shudder

And press even deeper

To retain bits of warmth

And keep it all from oozing out

Winter being such a long

And exasperating time

That makes us cling

All the closer but without

The rage of heat,

we rubbing together

like stick against stone

expecting no burst of flame

but a slow and steady smoldering

we hope will keep us warm

until spring springs upon us again,

bringing back summer’s bliss.

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Trained dog Jan 22, 2025

 

What exactly do I remember best, the bits of fragrance, the softness of flesh, the jumble of thoughts rolling around in my head, drunk before the first sip of wine, being inebriated by being so close, I could reach out and touch, grab what it is I wanted, and yet resisted.

 what exactly do I recall, if anything at all, the staggering moments when she could reach out in touch me, to do whatever she liked, as if I am a trained poodle or one of those mob dat ragtop pups, women like her stick in their purses and let out for show, maybe that's exactly what I wanted all along, to cling to her heels at the end of a leash, to sit up, sit down, bark, roll over, each command filled with ever-present promise of reward

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What I live for August 23, 2014

I melt in your hand

AND in your mouth,

A stick of butter

Injected into scalding heat

You cool me

Only just enough

To mold me,

An oozing mass

Of hissing steam

My thoughts evaporate

When I think of you,

I never learned

The most fundamental lesson

I touch heat

And it hurts so bad

I always have to do it again

And still want more,

I’m like one of those trees

Whose seeds pop

When set on fire

I can’t get out of the kitchen

Even if I wanted to,

Stirred up on your stove top

Until I’m all froth,

You drink me up

A bit of slip clinging

To your upper lip,

You sip, I drip,

The ever melting man

Aching for you

To melt me

To mold me

It’s what I live for.

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That precious moment Jan 8, 2015

 

What I really wanted that night outside the bar -- when we broke from our routine on the stools inside for her to get a smoke outside -- was to push her hard against the wall, her arms splayed, my mouth pressed against hers, my body throbbing to get at hers, to press in, undress her there and then, in the dark so I could get at her, the ache do acute, I still feel it  all these years later, asking myself why I didn't do it, why I settled later for a kiss on the ride home, to take her then and there, to feel my hardness against her softness, to deposit in her, all the flow of lava pent up inside me, then, now, always --  that precious moment gone

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Vampire love? August 11, 2014

The wind weaves

Through the meadow grass

Like fingers through

Strands of hair,

The palms of my hands

Moist in the chill air

My breath near your ear,

The nip of love bites

Always leading to

Blood lust,

My lips brushing

Your neck

Always with the deeper

Hunger for more,

Always struggling on

With the eternal debate

How deep to sink my teeth,

To satisfy this that rises

Up inside of me,

Not done until buried deep

This flesh that seeks

A moist sheath,

To draw in and out

Each blow matched by

The blow of breath

And the moan of this meadow

Wind as it stirs,

This vampire love

Leaving me to wonder

How deep to feed

To sedate this insatiable hunger

My lips pressed against soft flesh

And with infinite impatience

Seeking solace in twin peaks

I can easily reach,

How deep do I plunge

And will it ever be enough?

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artificial peace Sept 28, 2012

  

I wake to pre-dawn and wait like a countdown to a sunrise that may never come, only the gradual lightening of clouds and the usual false promise of rain, we having finally pushed out of the unbearable heat of Summer and into the uncertainty of fall. no leaves turning yet, just the dulling of green, as if the trees have ceased hoping, as I have, hope for what--  relief, reprieve, forgiveness or perhaps, the need to feel numb, no Harry Potter magic, no clicking of Dorothy heals, just the vague notion of a quiet space, after the brutal threats of Summer have ceased, winding down to eventual numbness, in which I feel neither pleasure or pain ,and no longer wake to the fear of being undone, sometimes this is all we can hope for this sense of artificial peace

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