her old world is coming to pieces, but she is in the midst
of her own struggle and so will likely not be there to get hit with the debris
I'm told that RR will be fired on Monday, proof of a purge
of corrupt people who clustered around the Virgin mayor
her plot from fall 2012 to destroy the congressman finally
coming to roost as one by one the old conspirators are unmasked and removed
it may be that our poet was one of the first and still is
naive of the criminal enterprises that went on around her
something similar is going on inside our office as lawsuit against
GA the blogger begins to uncover real dirt within our office, the owner, Tim
and others
it is difficult to know just how big a role our poet played
in all of that corruption but it is clear that she was shattered when she got
tossed out of her current position, enough for her to have a near complete
breakdown from which she is just recovering
how she avoids old pitfalls -- if she means to and I am
convinced that she really intends to try to reform -- will be the great
challenge of her life
some of what she wrote earlier I agree with, in that she is
only partly responsible for what she has become. some founding events sent her
into the cycle of behavior she could not later easily break Free of
This appears to be her best shot and perhaps her removal
from that group of thugs was a blessing in disguise
in an essay posted on the morning of March 27th she outlined
her plans for next few days
she will be leaving the nest, flying back North and with the
intent to sleep in her own bed that night for the first time in nearly a month
and a half
she described those things she would miss about the nest.
this corresponding to the posting of a group shot with many of the women she
criticized in an early essay
perhaps an odd sense of loneliness
she reflected on how odd it will be not hearing the
breathing in the bed next to hers or the rattle of breakfast bowls and plates
for non-self proportioners in the morning
it'll be odd not coming to the living room in the morning to
sit and write in the chair and drinking coffee and other references to the
other inmates in what is not a Murphy's world.
She said on Friday she would go gather her cats and eat
whatever her mother cooks and not be hungry or eat popcorn instead
she paints an interesting portrait of what life was like
prior to her trip to the clinic and the strange relationships she must have had
with family members
It is hard to tell just how much of a true believer she has
become (not just a madman's cancer curing
diet)but to all those careers she took up since her days in school believing at
least to some degree in the roles she played
and yet there's a sense that she also believes she's
undeserving
reading her essays derived out of the clinic experience you
can trust that on some level she actually believes in what she writes, though
the sad part is that she repeats in this what she has said and done in every
other career, becoming a true believer, a born again convert to a new religion
she will follow only t as so long as it keeps Faith with her need to save
herself and that she will set it aside when she grows strong enough for
ambitions to reemerge
yet I believe this is an honest attempt at redemption and a
completely new beginning more in line with some of those earlier attempts after
her teaching career and later when she abandoned upstate New York to make her
way to the big city
Saturday she said she'll clean her home do some yoga and
finally take a long walk along the edge of the Palisades with the view of the
city she loves finally not absconded by tears streaming down her face from the
bitter blowing cold then she'll probably see friends for yet another drama free
meal
she has set aside Sunday for phone calls, lounging, Gilmore
girls reruns, writing and take out food if her paperwork got in on time she
will start at the eating disorder treatment center in New York on Monday
she said she is nervous, noted that her last full day in the
South was extremely trying, which she needed to help to get through, yet
managed to also to stay through the closing circle when focused a lot of
tension on her
she said she was grateful for the gift of the journey
although she also said it was no spa but it picked her up and set her straight
and she is fully aware that not everyone is fortunate enough to have this rare
opportunity
the center in New York is a day treatment and intense
outpatient program on the upper side of Manhattan which serves as a transition
after inpatient treatment like the one she just went through and deals with
eating disorders and other obsessive behaviors
I do believe this may really be a new beginning for her and
maybe have saved her life
After 6 weeks at the clinic, our poet has suddenly become
nostalgia -- now that she is ready to leave a move which is set for Thursday,
when she will fly back to this area for what becomes the next step in her
recovery
looking back, she points out that she had come to the clinic
and really bad shape back in mid-February and she is still unclear how she
managed to get onto the airplane for the flight there when she could barely
lift a suitcase
she found herself in some group room to the right of the
front door and various doctors and administration people coming to her for few
hours well she signed the things and tried to focus
as she was writing her essay, she was scheduled to get
breakfast and then cross over to get the ride to the airport
despite the warm climate where she has been 6 weeks, she had
a cold coming on and is hoping to fight it off before returning to the gray
world in which she has spent the last couple of years
she said she was deeply sad and a bit alarmed at returning
to the monotony of jer ordinary life and for some reason sees the center as
invoking spirituality
even then, she said she is ready for the next step fighting
the disorder at a treatment center in New York City two blocks for where she
wants lived with her brother and her ex-husband in Manhattan, most likely back
in 2002 or 2003 after she quit school in New England and after her brief stay
in hometown as a barmaid and just before she took off with the band for 5 years
she had assumed would lead to success
it is unclear what she is going to do as an outpatient or
some variation of the group home
I suppose it will be
the former and that she will commute from her home daily
it appears in all this agonizing over the next step she also
paid a visit to my poetry site this morning, directly from the center rather
them from the proxies I believe she's used in the past. I'm not sure why perhaps seeking some clue as
to whether or not I am aware of her situation
I have kept down my internet footprint for several reasons, partly
to avoid contributing to her issues at this point there is a real struggle
going on in her life
it is best that I
take no part in it. she needs to recover and without fear of me
secondly, if she needs a scapegoat she will need to find
someone else to blame
regardless of our
motivations or how much truth there is in what she writes. she clearly is in
the midst of a crisis in her life, a crisis from which she either changes or
she won't survive the next crash if and whenever it comes
having settled the issue of panic family members concerned
with her apparent frustration with food,our poet went back to her other big
complaint about the place the other people
There is an old adage about how hospitals are dangerous
because you can catch nearly every disease there while being treated for
something else.
The same might be said for the clinic our poet is in. The
patients have the ability to set off her triggers and increase the depths of
her disorder.
in an essay posted on March 23rd came with a disclaimer --
like a yellow warning sign-- but instead
of watch out for falling rock or slick when wet road
her disclaimer said potential triggers and like a made for
TV movie in which we are warned against assuming any of the characters depicted
represent anyone real in life we are told the experiences described here or non
attributable to any specific patient and are meant as examples of personal
experiences they are not meant in any way to be judgmental or derogatory or but
observational and used in defense to her own reaction to them which is separate
from said patients and experiences
most of the previous above are practically direct quote,
trying to remain politically correct in case someone in authority reads her
blog. She’s already been burned with others over their perceptions of her
perceptions.
All of this is a kind of double speak since she already
knows that this will raise a few eyebrows
in this she says she loves these girls but notes that her
ability to tolerate behaviors are limited because they tend to trigger hers.
as in our last essay she appears to cover ground that she
touched on earlier essays and why she received an incomplete after refusing to
eat the sugar laden meals she was offered
again she appears to be making a case for her behavior and
hence at some possible conflict over this not with family member as was the
case in the last essay but with her overseers
on pizza night she noted three sets of eyes leap from her
plate to theirs and others and back seeing if her portion has less cheese on
her exact same Pizza as theirs when they are still on weight restriction meals
plans and she's not
this used to be the scariest meal for her and she is hungry
and hopes for a calm dinner.
she sees herself as
an adult with a child's body and hates that she has become an example of what
weight restoration looks like
one girl rips her Pizza part and is so covered with crumbs
and grease she looks like a pizza chef 24 hours into a shift
another woman chred
32 to 34 times each bite, pauding to speak between each to allow the food to
digest, asking constantly about the time left as it takes her 45 minutes to eat
a slice that should have been devoured in less than 15 minutes
another woman starts off every meal by insulting her food
and how wrong the process is and how much fatter she feels and how she is
forcing herself to handle this meal
the emphasis is on Force as she glares at our poet who is
finally built up the courage to order dessert with her meal which is outside
her meal plan but her meal plan is not real life but super conservative
she finds it uncomfortable to have people looking at her as
she eats her cake ,watching her take every bite, wishing they could have it,
hating her for having it, judging her for having it and themselves for wanting
it -- then going back to their Pizza consumed with slow mouse bites and
self-promises to never do it again once they leave
she said she spent 20 years with the thoughts like these and behaviors such as not resisting three slices
she said some of
those people saw the clinic as a kind of social club, and that the clinics seem
to have their own pecking order, full of judgmental people, something she
clearly did not envision when looking at these places from a far.
She said she’s had to endure talk about her weight and she's
heard similar talk about other people as well
she is perfectly aware of their struggles that disorder can
take over their brains and they become unaware of what is being done around
them. but she said there has to be ways to manage these without roping other
people in, in order to feel less alone or impinging on the progress of others
who want to recover.
she said when she feels negative she doesn't deny the
thought because that would be
counterproductive.
she just removes
herself from the community and processes these thought with the therapist or
others in the clinic in order to avoid the negative impact
she sees a lot of her own eating disorder voiced in these
other people and it makes her sad although she is aware that in real world
there are a lot of triggers that she has to manage and needs to practice
self-care in an entire community of triggers seeing this transition by the fold
as a relief
and she says she looks forward to that first meal where she
cannot think about any of it where she just gets to eat
