I pulled a stunt which I perhaps should not have, a
flashback to my silliness the summer of 2012 when I texted her happy birthday.
Perhaps her poem was right about me, calling me a petulant frat
boy.
I had planned this 4 weeks since the day I left my camera
bag in the Democratic headquarters of the Virgin mayor's town
I had to go collect it later and so I took a bunch of
pictures one or two of the inside of town hall, which I posted.
But I also took some pictures of the water front – some places
where she frequented, including one place where she did yoga, but I refrained
from posting them until yesterday
I wanted to get a reaction to gauge if I was still on her
radar.
Although I grouped these photos with other waterfront photos
elsewhere, I knew if she was looking at my site, she would read into them the
way she did the photos I took at Woodstock, and might get peeved.
I got a number of quick hits including undisguised IP addresses
from the town where she just recently worked, as well as a handful of others
including Secaucus where the PR guy for the state senator has offices and where
RR recently lived.
I am assuming that the first few hits from the Virgin Mayors
town were our poet but there's no way to tell that for sure
but some of the pictures were places where she hung out and
so I suspect she went into a panic again causing her to call around to complain
about it with some of her contacts
this of course is an assumption I have no proof at all of
but again if I am the impudent imp of her earlier poems then
she might have seen me doing this as a kick in her ass as she left her job
although I again wonder if it was her I saw outside The
campaign headquarters the day before I took the pictures
I don't know whether she is upset about me posting the
photos and she is using them as a little bit more evidence against me, although
I don't see how since I was careful not to take pictures of any place too
clearly personal. I never took a picture of her building for instance or
anything else that could be mistaken as stalking. although what all this proves
I can't be sure but I suspect she is still watching what I do
at least not to the opposition in the Virgin mayor's town,
who have tried to reach out to her figuring if she is mad at the Virgin mayor
for firing he, they might be sympathetic to them but no dice
she's not talking to anybody my freeholder friend said
I'm not sure who he means by everybody or anybody but this
might include RR since freeholder is also talking to him now
this suggests that someone might have advised her to keep
quiet or that she is scared to speak fearing some retribution and hinting again
at the idea that someone there is holding something over her head
but it may be simply her slamming the door on a life she can
no longer claim one of hers
Facebook friends
complain that she had not posted much in days and she responded that she'd been
so busy with “intake “since Tuesday she's had no time
it is impossible to tell from so few words if she is blowing
smoke the way she did when boasting about the press conference she claimed to
have set up or if she indeed has some new job in public service
she can't feel good about any of it and if she is connected
to James her prospects or even more dismal since his stance and politics has
been much reduced
our owner and our former temporary boss are both in foul
moods but if this is because of her or James I can't say
the poet has closed doors and you have to wonder on who
could these include former temporary boss or perhaps even
the owner
if she has decided to move on away from this political game
she may no longer see a use for them and may be putting distance between her
and everybody associated with this part of the world
she won't let them go completely and yet may not want them
as close as they had been in the past or as close as they wish to be
since she has not posted a poem since prior to her firing it
is difficult to get a sense of her mood but her to likes on YouTube both deal
with eating disorders and suggesting she had a relapse
she may have been lying to RR about what happened to her at
work suggesting perhaps distance as well specifically when he has since
appeared at a fundraiser for the man who fired her
she has to be angry at the situation my source said she
knows she went too far
since she has a history which suggests she doesn't revisit
old haunts once she left them the question now is where does she go from here
in the midst of the crisis that grips our poet, there are a
number of unresolved issues and unanswered questions -- the most pressing of which centers around the
world “guilt”.
What exactly does she feel guilty about?
she is alluded a wanton lifestyle to several times yet fails
to provide details
Early on, she shocked me a number of times while at the same
time these shocking moments only made me lust after her all the more
Wanton, however, in our society is a very relative term.
Young people -- and
perhaps almost always in the past as well -- fuck so much that in this
perspective it has become the norm
Even kinky behavior is rapidly becoming acceptable. So, it
is hard to imagine what she could have done to make her feel shame
She once claimed on a dating site she was open to filming
herself in the act of sex.
I can't imagine her
ever getting involved with pornographic things the way my ex-wife did
I don't mean the act of sex but the degrading acts such
films requireblow jobs and cum on the
face
She has a certain level of dignity that would not allow
herself to be degraded in such a way
she might love sex -- maybe even variations of kinky sex-- but she is likely to be the one in control I
could more imagine her as a dominatrix than a slut and even such a role would
be beneath her
so what I am imagine she feels guilty about it's not so much
involving any variations of the sex act but perhaps more the social aspect of
it using people, through the act of sex and such to get ahead -- this coming
with all the complications these affairs take on especially keeping secret what
she does with one person from others
Yet even this doesn't warrant the self-judgment she seems to
heap upon herself the casting of the first stone
nothing I can imagine her doing seems to merit the level of
guilt she has hoisted on her shoulders though I know so little this is too easy
an assessment to make,.
To Walk in her shoes might give me a whole different
perspective whereas even her poems do not completely reflect it
if there is guilt to be borne then it ought to rest on the
shoulders of those of us who have used and abused her, those who shared her bed
for a pleasure at her expense, the cheats and the liars who lust after her,
buying her affection while giving her almost nothing in return.
it is what we dump on her she feels the weight of not her
own actions.
