I breathe too hard

September 7, 1977

I breathe too hard

This in and out

That leaves me

Breathless and empty,

A balloon expired

All in one gush

I drink too much

Sucking it up

Like the proverbial sponge

Needing a miracle

To turn water

Into more wine

Or whiskey or beer

I fuck too often

Although not nearly enough

Aching to fill up

Every furrow I can find

Like a farmer scattering seed

I dread will grow

Living my life like a monk

Self punishment for

Wanting too much

I sleep too little

Scared of dreams

That haunt me

Even if I doze,

Those “what if” dreams

Where I imagine

The worst of what might happen

And wake believing

The worst did

I never cry

Especially not for myself

Thinking self pity is a crime

When it might well be deserve,

Pacing the jail cell of my life

Counting off the days

To a sentence that ends in death,

Scared shitless wondering

What happens then

If I was a praying man

I would pray

Less for salvation

Than for faith that I am

Worthy of being saved,

A blessing my benevolent god

Has yet to bestow