Saturday, June 21, 2014

I breathe too hard

September 7, 1977

I breathe too hard
This in and out
That leaves me
Breathless and empty,
A balloon expired
All in one gush

I drink too much
Sucking it up
Like the proverbial sponge
Needing a miracle
To turn water
Into more wine
Or whiskey or beer

I fuck too often
Although not nearly enough
Aching to fill up
Every furrow I can find
Like a farmer scattering seed
I dread will grow
Living my life like a monk
Self punishment for
Wanting too much

I sleep too little
Scared of dreams
That haunt me
Even if I doze,
Those “what if” dreams
Where I imagine
The worst of what might happen
And wake believing
The worst did

I never cry
Especially not for myself
Thinking self pity is a crime
When it might well be deserve,
Pacing the jail cell of my life
Counting off the days
To a sentence that ends in death,
Scared shitless wondering
What happens then

If I was a praying man
I would pray
Less for salvation
Than for faith that I am
Worthy of being saved,
A blessing my benevolent god
Has yet to bestow

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